Dropped 50 feet & shattered!

I have loved, & loved hard, & lost, & lost hard! Why does it seem like whenever I love somebody unconditionally, that person is taken away from me. My first love & lost was my beloved grandmother, Rosa Escamilla, she spoiled me. Even though we had nothing, growing up in the Lower East side of NYC, she made simple things, like going to canal street, an adventure. She made sure my brother & I had the best views of the Macy's fireworks every Independence day. When we moved to NJ, she still made sure we made it to this ritual. Then she moved to CA in 1990, her DM eventually got her physical body in 1997.

Then there was my "baby daddy", Shuan, I loved this person so much that I had a bunch of kids for him! It was his choice to leave & what he left will always be his lost. Although, we both were young @ the time, for a relationship that intense, he had a choice to have a relationship with our children; which he chose not to exercise in 1998.

It continues with my beloved brother, whom I loved so much, that I use to fight drag queens for him in the village @ 8 months pregnant with my first child! He was diagnosed with HIV & opted not to seek treatment or tell our family! The virus consumed him slowly & within 3 years it took his life in 1995!

We now proceed to my beloved cousin, Eric, after the passing of my brother Eric stepped up & became my brother. Already HIV positive, he tried his hardest to fill my brother's shoes & he did fill that void for a while, until he lost his battle with AIDS in 2001!

My latest lost was a hard one as well. I thought I had found my soul mate. Mark, my ex-husband, had accepted my children, my ways & my flaws. And after 13 years of, what I thought was a great team/ relationship, he left me for somebody younger & with younger kids! WTF!?!?!

And I know that in life you can't love something or somebody too much (b/c it's taken away), but I think it's the only way I know how to love! As I lay hear & write my truth, I realize that this saying is becoming true! I love my son, Shuan (Bebe), & he is no longer with me. I also love my Mami & we received some news that might threaten her life!  & my pastor is always saying, it's now how hard we fall, it's how we gracefully stand back up, that defines who we really are! & after all my life's blows, I have stood up gracefully & triumphed certain obstacles & struggles. I have gained strength & wisdom from all these experiences, but, I don't know how I will deal with this new obstacle, after all she's MY MAMI!


And as I slowly recover & regain my strength from my divorce, I can't help to feel like I was on a high peak & then dropped 50 feet & feel shattered! I know that it's too early to make any assumptions, she, Blanca, will undergo surgery to remove the abnormal growth & it will be some time before we know whether it is benign or metastatic. & @ this point all I can do is to be strong for my mother, what I have always done. I love you Blanca Romero! La quiero mucho Mami!

I leave you with an image of my lil Mami & me looking & waiting for what life is going to give us!

P.S. My previous post was on a high note, & although this blog's intention is to be inspirational, shit happens & it is a part of life! I did try to talk to somebody that I used to confide in & respected highly, but realized that person lost that position! So, I turn to my blog for my healing! If you can please leave some feedback, I would be greatly appreciated!