Taming my testosterone

Good morning bloggers,

I'm back to my hectic working schedule; been extremely busy taking care of my father and my family. But, on my days off, after taking care of everything & everybody I find myself struggling with my ultimate demon!  My deep desire to have MY healthy relationship, I crave my own love. I have a very aggressive sexual appetite & a loyal & passionate heart, but am having a difficult time finding somebody worthy to share that with!
Thank God I have a couple of close friends who keep me on the straight & narrow! I've had a couple of inappropriate relationships since my divorce, needless to say, dating for me, with my hectic schedule, is impossible. I've had a few good dates, but nothing that I can say is worth talking about.
As for my aggressive sexual appetite, I have spoken to my gynecologist & therapist regarding these desires & they both seem to think its healthy, I've been told that because I had my family so young & still in my prime, that these urges are normal. My gynecologist thinks I should celebrate this energy & be safe with my actions. My therapist thinks there is no harm in my desires, but also thinks I should focus on other aspects of my life.
But my mind & body seem to focus on my sexual needs, so I have to learn how to tame my testosterone! It has not been easy, I have cut some ties with a few "male friends" that might take advantage of my "vulnerable" state. Although, those feelings are a big part of my confidence level! I have thrown myself back into work & working out, I am also actively taking steps to re-train my brain. I am focusing more on my family & all tasks that keep me from those sexual desires. But, with everything I have to keep me busy, I still have my days when those feelings overwhelm me!!! I ask my male & female friends alike, is there something wrong with me? My female friends tell me I'm a man trapped in a woman's body! But I love being a woman & feeling fit & sexy! My male friends tell me that no regular man will ever be able to handle me, but I want to be handled😜!
As time passes I hope to tame my testosterone!
And maybe in time, these strong desires subside! (NOT) Until then, I will try to keep busy doing positive things & keeping away from negative men! Lol
I have adopted yoga & am currently learning how to meditate deeply, it has proven to work for me. My journey to enlightenment has begun. I hope to be able to peace  & balance within myself.

Sporadic life timeline

Good morning fellow bloggers,

It has been quite some time since I last posted an entry. Every year, since 10/95, I always get blue on  Septembers.   Not sure if it's due to the change in weather or because it's a month before my brother's death anniversary. This year it has been tougher for me to shake this feeling, since I use to grieve this loss with my mom. Now, with her absence it has affected me more profoundly! I thank God everyday for the gift of my grand daughter, she was meant to be born when she was, she is the reason I continue to fight my demons. She is so precious to me! Whenever I am feeling sorry for myself I pull up a video or a picture of her, and her images inspire me to continue my journey. It also helps that I am blessed to have amazing family & friends that remind me of who I am & what I am capable of.

As for the title of this entry, my life's timeline has been very sporadic & it has made for a very rich & interesting reality, with many highs & lows. I can never complain, when I share my reality with other people they tell me I should write a book. All the negative & positive situations that I have experienced have enriched my life in so many ways! My low moments of life have allowed me to gain strength, my highs moments have allowed me to accumulate gratitude & have humbled me. It was meant for me to have my 5 kids, they definitely are a reminder of my capabilities! My grand daughter has been another blessing, although she in NM, her presence has been inspirational. It pains me that she lives so far away & I am missing all her milestones, but my son face times me every Sunday & I get to see her react to my image & my voice.

Now, I am preparing to welcome another grand baby into my family! My middle daughter is currently carrying my 1st grandson! My legacy will continue with them, being a grand parent has made me realized how often God blesses me, & for his blessings I am thankful, humbled, & grateful!
As a parent all you want for your children is their success & happiness, & I am definitely witnessing those things in my children.

I can't forget to mention my friends, who have become my family. These amazing people have been @ my side through my highs & lows & they remind me of my strengths & capabilities. Joanna & Denise text me daily to make sure I keep it moving & turn my blues into rainbows! My boys, Charles, Mel & Barry remind me that I am strong enough to shake those blue feelings off, & for that I am thankful. So, let me share these beautiful people with you:
                                                                   Denise & me

Joanna & me

My sons & me

My cousin Rob & me

My kids (missing Bebe)

Mel & me

Lil Somaya & me

My staff & me

My Peds ED staff

Paula & me

So as you can see, all these people encourage me, they tell me that I'm a positive influence on their lives, but in fact, they are the positive influence in my life. And for that I am thankful to God, may he continue to bless me with beautiful people & positive situations!    

My Contribution to society

Good Morning Bloggers,

I have been in the midst of enjoying my life as it evolves into something beautiful! I continue to work diligently & aggressively towards some personal goals, I know that eventually my hard work will pay off. I am more aware of all the blessings in my life, & I try not to dwell on my past, although it has defined me & nurtured my strength. I have so many good & nurturing people in my life, that I have to mention how grateful I am for their presence in my life.
Just yesterday I was with one of my best friends, Joanna, we were talking about how fast situations change in just 1 year. Those who know us, know that we have been through very negative divorces & just last year, Joanna was by my side helping me give my mom post mortem care when she passed, while dealing with her separation. We are cut from the same cloth, we give of ourselves selfishly & that type of gift is what allows for more  blessings to come into our lives.
As I go on in my life I have learned that what you do to others, or how you treat others, will definitely come back to you ten fold. So, what that being said, I have chosen to be a positive entity in other people's lives. And although, some people are difficult to deal with, it is always best to let God deal with that & never drop to their level. I practice positive mantras daily & always remind myself that everybody has their own journey & sometimes those journeys are difficult to navigate but through God's grace, anything is manageable! Have a blessed day & please enjoy my many blessings that I continue to be grateful for:

Being able to relax with my daughters @ the beach!

 My night staff @ SBMC

 My girls, for reminding me that I am who I am!

 Being beautiful, outside & inside!

 My grand auntie's 90th bday, /w my fav auntie & uncle!

 My Marley & me!

 My beautiful Peds ED girls- luv them so much! muah

 One of my mentors, Paula! She reminds me I can do anything!

 My mami's grave site, adorned /w flowers in honor of her death anniversary

 A white party to enjoy good music, after a long work stretch

 More partying /w the people I love

 Celebrating a best friend's daughter's graduation!

Gracefully thanking God for all my blessings & trying my best to be a positive force in the people's lives that I love!

So Blessed!

Good evening bloggers,
It's been a minute, but I have been very busy with work & being a new grandma. So, I have taken some time to reflect. Please enjoy:
My life has progressed in an awkward manner. I became a mom @ a  very young age, I lost some very valuable relationships prematurely, & I learned how to fend for myself & my family fast & efficiently. My strength & positive energy came from darkness but, I have managed to learn how to turn negative situations around & focus on the positive. Happiness is defined differently by everybody, & although I can honestly say I have not found mine, I am really enjoying defining happiness within myself!
Learning how strong I am as I continue to gain strength has been a process of will! The process continues, I am so blessed to have my family & friends who remind me of who I am & what I am capable of. I especially love it when my eldest daughter reminds me to look back & see how much I have accomplished on my own, love you Sade! Muah
To be able to go to NM & witness my grand daughter being born, was one of the most wonderful blessings that I have experienced! I have to say, being a grandma has been the most rewarding experiences I have ever felt! I am so in love with my grand daughter. I definitely have a better perspective on life.
The people in my life constantly remind me how blessed I am. I can't forget my 4LW sisters, they always remind me of the very same thing! Joanna, Lillibeth, Jodi & of course I can't forget my brothers, Barry & Mel. Like I said, I am so blessed to have my family & friends. I would also like to mention Laura, Charles, Susan & Harry, my Bed Mgt family, they have become my constant cheerleaders as I play this game called life!

Somaya's diaper cake, made by abuela D

Somaya fresh out of the womb

 Bebe & his baby Somaya

 Ashby & me- my NM baby

 Ashby & Meade, my NM babies

 Somaya & her old lady hat

 Somaya & abuela D

 Bebe & his 2 babies: Somaya & Pippin

 Holly, my bestie, making sure Somaya is healthy

 Erin burping Somaya

 1st day of church- muah! my babies

 love this smile

 how could you not love this smile?

 Miss her already

Tonight's Quote:

in order to be truly blessed you must practice these very important exercises:

Be yourself

Accept yourself

Value yourself

Forgive yourself

Express yourself

Trust yourself

LOVE yourself

EMPOWERyourself 

And above all trust that God has your back! No matter what!

Life Marches On

Hello fellow bloggers!

It's been a long time since I've submitted an entry. I went back to my old habit of working allot. It seems to calm me when I'm serving others. My jobs don't feel like work & my coworkers have become my second families. Anyway, so much has happened since my last entry, one of my staff members laid his wife to rest, my son had a crisis situation, & I am currently in CO awaiting my first grand daughter to be born! I also applied to grad school again, I'm anxiously awaiting my acceptance letter. I also applied to a full time position @ SBMC & am considering going to critical care @ HUMC. As always, my mind & my body stay busy. I've come to believe that, that is the only way I know how to exist. I just feel like I still have so much to accomplish in my life. I also started dating, that lasted: briefly! I did meet some nice guys, but they currently don't fit into my schedule.
I'm finally very comfortable with my current social situation. I also started a new home based business, which will allow me to travel & make money @ the same time. If you're interested, please, let me know.
Having gone to a funeral just a few days ago & now awaiting my grand daughter's birth has made me more aware that life marches on. Life has a way of reminding me that no matter how difficult my situation may be, life will move forward. So, I've decided to stay as positive as I can be & look @ situations & @ people in a different perspective. I now appreciate what I have & don't dwell on what I want. I do try to work towards my goals, but I'm more real with myself & what my capabilities are, and that allows me to be @ peace with myself.
Having that kind of inner peace makes a world of a difference when dealing with certain situations, I try not to revert to my old ways. But, I work on myself every day & take deep breaths & meditate before I take any actions. For example, this Sunday that just passed was my first Mother's Day without my mom, & instead of feeling sad or sorry for myself, I spent time with my first born & one of my best friends & stayed strong as we visited her grave & set flowers on it. I flexed my strength & felt good about it.
So, I leave ya'll with these memories as my life marches on:

Celebrating my god son's 26th bday

Love my sista

relaxing & reflecting

tracking my fitness

buying my youngest art supplies

Me @ work looking boss

hanging out with my girls in NYC

my other sista, love her to

showing off my hard housework

making my dwelling more cozy

this bitch can do anything!

Easter dinner /w my fam

me on my 10th night in a row

after my 11th night I had the audacity to go to a party, cause that's the type of bitch I am!

my Bdids, luv my white sista

my lil Indian boy toy- luvs me some him

spoiling my god daughter

my daily mental breaks, help me focus

one of my spoiled brats

what I'm looking forward to

my Honduran & Filipino sistas- luv them so much- I draw strength from them

my first mom's day w/o my lil mami

needed to draw strength from my strong women

my baby caddying, finally! working lol

My daughter in law abiut to give birth to my grand daughter, Somaya

my son being supportive, so proud of him, he is an awesome dad, already!

So, you see, life marches on & it's up to you to stay positive & be a force to reckon with!

I am truly blessed every day & night to be able to be here for those I love!