Physically healng

hello bloggers,

I've been laying in my bed for the past 6 days, sickened with what I believe to be the flu. Not being able to watch TV, due to light sensitivity, or read due to headaches has been very challenging for me. But I have spent the last 144 hours with my thoughts & the only being that can't get infected by my sickness, stinky Marley. Between the fevers & all the meds I've been taking I've managed to have very lucid dreams, which have been a form of closure with my mom & brother. I'm @ peace with  their deaths & no longer feel left or abandoned, I now feel like they are always with me & have been.
As for my thoughts, it has come to my attention that @ 44 years old, I am finally comfortable with who I have become. Being by myself has taught me some much needed discipline, & although I still struggle with my fleshly needs, I have learned how to avoid negative people & wrong situations. I now move forward with hope & optimism. I have learned to rely on myself when it comes to companionship. I read & write much more than I use to & I really enjoy spending time with people who are really important to me. And it has become crucial for me to challenge myself, mentally & physically, I never thought that after everything that I have been through, that I am now standing even stronger than I was before. Take nothing for granted, your losses make room for better things, your gains confirm your ability. And although I'm sick & can hardly finish my thoughts or what I want to write for that matter I am content & most importantly happy with just me!

           

                                                 
As you can see the fevers are clearing & the meds are finally taking a toll, but even like this, I am happy!

Writing for my sanity

Hey bloggers,

It's been a while, allot has happened, but I keep on moving forward with positive energy. Let me begin by telling you the good news, I have transferred to CSICU (Cardiac Surgery Intensive Care Unit); I'm definitely mentally challenging myself, I am learning so much & have done SICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit), MICU ( Medical Intensive Care), & CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) rotations. I have opened another door to a wealth of knowledge & have met some really seasoned critical care nurses! I hope to soak everything up & develop my bedside skills. Work life has been awesome, working days for the last 3 months has allowed me to see how things run during the day, my observation: busy as hell. I have a new found respect for the day shift nurses! You guys rock!

Moving onto my family: this year my girls turn 27, 26, 25 & my boys turn 21 & 19; not to mention my grands who will turn 1 & 2 next year! Wow! How time flies! My girls are already thinking about PA ( Physician Assistant ) school, post grad school, & grad school! My boys are moving forward as well, my 21 year old is debating coming back home to work on his music,& my 19 year old is working on starting college & looking forward to a computer engineering major! I can't forget to mention my Marley, she had 2 seizures last weekend & we took her to the emergency room & was told they were benign episodes, for now. So we are diligently watching over her, for now.

As for my social life, since I've been working the day shift for the last 3 months I have been enjoying my nightly rendezvous with my bed! And since most of my close friends work nights except for Denise, who would rather watch TV than go out; I have been spending allot of quality time with myself! I'm learning that I make my own happiness & that I am determined to succeed in all my endeavors! I have been reading allot self help articles, exercising & meditating. Being alone has
taught me allot of self discipline, which has allowed me to rediscover my worth.

And now for the bad news, somebody who I believed to be close to me, passed. This person was very instrumental in my healing process when I was broken. And for that I will be forever thankful, he restored my confidence & reminded me of what I'm made of & what makes me unique. His passing has giving me yet another prospective on life, never take friendships for granted.

On that note, I'm sending all positive energy & sharing some happy memories with you!

Miss my 4LW family!

My 19 year old is really trying to make his way! 

My girls moving onward & forward! 

My California family always call me & keep me motivated! 

My Eli, his smile reminds me to keep it moving! 

My me time gives me solace 

My Somaya, giving me more motivation as she gets older

My girls who remind me to enjoy myself, because I deserve it!

Enjoy your holidays & appreciate your loved ones!

More

Good morning bloggers, 
Couldn't sleep last night & my mind went into author mode, so here is what my mind cranked out! Enjoy:
More:

As I continue to celebrate my fabulous 44 years of living & continue to travel & visit family & friends, I ask myself why do I want more? Is it because I give more so I feel like I am entitled to more, or is because I deserve more! More, you ask, more of what? I want more time with my family, more knowledge for work, more wisdom for my personal life. I want to create more cherished memories with my friends, I want more energy from my grandchildren. I want more love, more intimacy, more consistency! Am I wrong for wanting more? I don't think so, I have more to give & expect to receive more! No I'm not needy I'd rather refer to myself as a positive force to reckon with. I am a people person, not sure if it's a curse or a blessing; but whatever it is I'm running with it! 

I found out yesterday morning that my sister is sick, & although we're not close, I worry about her. I made a promise to my mom that I would work on our relationship to make a stronger bond between us, but anybody who knows her, knows how difficult that can be! No matter how she is, I have to fix us! After all we are all we got. So I pray, and ask God to give me the strength, energy, & wisdom to make this bond tight & positive. So now I ask for more time with her, more memories with her & more love between us!

Accountability

Accountability 

Good morning fellow bloggers,

I was inspired to write this by some of my current situations. It has taken me almost 44  years of living & going through experiences to come to this conclusion. But, I have come to accept that all situations that occur in life are meant to teach us lessons. I use to believe that situations happened randomly, I now know, that everything & everybody who comes into your life has a purpose. And it is entirely up to you as to what you take away or what you learn from people & situations. I have been through allot & have met allot of people in my life & wether they bring something negative or positive to my life it's up to me to decide how I react.  As a nurse I meet all kinds of people from different walks of life, & am privileged to protect & heal those who are unable to do it for themselves. I am blessed to be able to affect others in this manner, some are very appreciative & others are very ungrateful. No matter what, I had an opportunity to positively impact their lives.

Having the ability to be a part of the healing process & witnessing how precious life is, has given me a very unique & different perspective on life. I know how precious it is & how we shouldn't allow negative energy manipulate us. I have learned how to appreciate everything in life, no matter what it is! I've also learned how to not judge people on face value. Everybody has their own story & everybody reacts to same situations differently. I choose to be a positive energy to all. I always treat people with respect, love & positivity. It doesn't always work, but, it does impact people. I am always humbled when people admire me for who I am. 

Over thinker

Over thinker 

Sitting in the laundromat, waiting for my rugs to dry,  & over analyzing my personal situations. Had a conversation with one of my male colleagues that inspired this blog entry. During some downtime @ 3 am, while doing unit rounds, I sit to converse with him & he asks: why do you think you are still single? I hesitate then respond by saying: it's multifactorial. It's not that I'm complicated, I'm quite simple & know what I want & what I won't settle for! And then I ask him why the personal interest? His response: I've known you for 2 years as a supervisor/manager & I've observed how selfless you are.  Me: ok, and your point is? Him: you're intelligent, your caring, compassionate, & very giving. Me: okay, where are you going with this?!?! Him: you just seem well put together & I'm just trying to figure out why you're not taken. Me: um ok, but you know I don't date within my place of employment. Him: oh no, I'm in a relationship, I just admire your personality. Me: ok (with a baffled look on my face), so why the interest in my personal life? Him: it's just rare to see souls like yours & I was just curious to see what attracts you to another person. Me: it's simple, but complicated @ the same time. I have a very unique story, I came from immigrant parents whom taught me how to work hard & appreciate those who value me. I have been through allot physically, emotionally, financially & spiritually. I've lost allot of important people in my life & have learned how to appreciate people who are genuine with me. As for what I look for in a mate!. I guess somebody who understands me & who not only appreciates me, he has to value what I have to offer, & that is allot! Him: I see that! Me: I'm not high maintenance, but I do like to spoil myself! I deserve it! I give everything 120% and expect the same in return! I've learned that you can't half step anything & claim to be genuine! Him: and this is the reason I admire & respect you! Me: wow! I'm humbled

Moral of my story:

As a human being our actions & sayings affect others, some more profoundly than others. Always treat others with respect & love. Life is too short to do & think otherwise!

                         As for the title of my entry, am I over-thinking my social status?

Lost loves, Lessons learned, Stronger me

Hello fellow bloggers!
Been recovering from a bruised ego, but I am slowly regaining more strength & wisdom! I had recently reconnected with an old flame & was  enjoying a very short lived romance. I have to say that it did feel good while it lasted & I learned what I want from a relationship. This time around I set the ground rules & was verbally open as to what I wanted out of that particular relationship. It seemed to start off well, but the honesty between us was not mutual. So, I removed myself from the situation before it became toxic! I have to admit I became very comfortable quickly because it was somebody from my past who had known me before I had my kids & knew how crazy I can be, but the history & familiarity between us, was not enough for him to be completely honest with me. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason & this happened to show me that I am still capable of loving somebody & able to be loved.

I was having a conversation with some close friends regarding healthy relationships, & @ my age, I pretty much know what I want for myself in a relationship. Maybe it's too much, but @ my age I refuse to lower my standards. Why should I? I work too hard & I play hard. I know my male colleagues always tell me that I have too much testosterone & can be very masculine when it comes to certain things, but I've been doing all kinds of things for myself for a while. I don't depend or wait for others to do for me. I'm pretty much self sufficient, if that's not a good thing, I don't know what to tell you?

Most men find me intimidating, but, I can't change who I am. It's gotten me this far! I'm not a damsel in distress, nor do I need a man to complete me. I had one of my close male friends tell me I'm too aggressive when it comes to certain things, my reply: if you can't deal with my aggression you're too soft for me! I'm not here to stroke nobody's ego! I've done very well for myself & I have no desire to change who I am to appease anybody! Yes, my character can be strong, but I do have a soft side. Only those who are really close to me are privileged to see that side of me. Everybody knows I'm genuine & honest & will give you the shirt off my back. But don't take advantage of me, if you do, you will be demoted & cut off!

Maybe I will continue to be single, I still have allot to accomplish. My goals are to finish grad school & eventually buy a house. If God sends me somebody to compliment me, then so be it. Until then I will continue my journey & enjoy those who genuinely care for me & are completely loyal & honest with me. I won't loose myself to anything or anybody, life is too short!



P.S. Currently having technical difficulties, will post pics @ a later time to go with this post
as promised I've added some of my favorite pics:

Building my happiness & having faith in it!

Hello my fellow bloggers,

I know it has been a while since I have submitted an entry, but, I have been living my life! I am glad to report that I have finally learned not to expect anything in life. To enjoy what is & if my situations are negative or positive take the good things to enhance my life & learn from the negative, either way, I gain something & turn it into positive!

I have been enjoying my family, especially my grand kids. They have given me a different perspective on life. Having lost pivotal people in my life has made me realize that I have to appreciate those I love more while I am still alive. I have slowed down my work flow, but I am disappointed to report that my education goals have been put on pause. My relationships with my colleagues has become stronger, they have become my support system & my family. My closest friends have become my cheerleaders & continue to stand by my side no matter what!

As for my mental & physical health, I have adopted a set of healthy habbits, which include a 10 minute physical challenge & @ least a 4 mile walk daily. I am also weaning myself off of meat & been eating more veggies & fruits. And have been volunteering acts of kindness to people/strangers, I believe its good karma. I'm trying to show my kids & grand kids that this is a way of living to make our world better. I hope they follow in my lead. Forgiving those who have hurt me has also been challenging, but it is a must, to let go & let God. The only person who can't get over his truth is my ex-husband- let it go Mark, you have given me back to me! We are good!

And finally, my relationship status: which has flourished! After failing, with paying a large sum to a matchmaker, a few inappropriate relationships, & constantly being harassed by guys (of all ages) with 1 track minds, I have reconnected with a lost love. Somebody who has known me before I became me & who is not intimidated by all I am & have to offer. 28 years of lessons & situations has built my character & I have evolved in so many ways, all leading up to this. He is private, & I have to respect that, so I won't mention his name. We have been talking & rediscovering ourselves for the past couple of months & we are moving forward! we will be redefining our own relationship & not comparing it to any standards. But, I do look forward to building an empire with him & finally trusting in love & constructing our lives together, with faith: anything is possible.

So allow me to share me & mine with you:

                                           My little minnie me, has all her Lola's character

                                                        My legacy keeps growing!

                  I definitely love my children, as much as they drain me , they build my character!

                 My boy toys! Always lifting my spirits when I need it the most! Love them: RJ & Mel

 My ride or die! Through itt all this chic has held me down no matter what! The love & respect is        real!

Jovita, my church sister, she always prays over me & guides me when I'm down!

My other ride or die: Joanna, I am so blessed to have multiple people who are for me & I for them!

Lilibeth, my conscience, she keeps me straight & reminds me of my positive aura & how not to misuse it!

And my most important accomplishment: my grandchildren!

Oloff & my Peds ED family from SBMC- they always have my bac! 

Trusting in Love

Good evening bloggers,

It has been a long time since I've submitted an entry, but I have good reason. I welcomed my 1st grandson & spent time with my 1st grand daughter! It has been amazing to see my kids become responsible & caring adults. I guess the apples don't fall too far from the tree. I am so proud of my son, Shuan (Bebe), & my daughter, Sasha, for becoming such good parents. I watched in amazement on how they are handling parenthood. It humbles me to see them support each other & be so loving towards one another.
    While being around all of my kids, we had a conversation regarding healthy relationships, & I realized that everybody defines a healthy relationship differently. For me it's a combination of things & personality traits. I've been lucky to have experienced those qualities & things, but, it has been a difficult & trying time finding it again. Like I was telling my family, there are certain situations I refuse to expose myself to & I realize that I have to be willing to put myself out there. For the last 4 years I have chosen situations that I deem to be safe for me, but in reality the situations I chose for myself were toxic & inappropriate. It has taken me 3 years to make the decision of eliminating certain people from my life; but, @ the same time, I feel the need to help those same people through there situation. I'm quickly learning how to distance myself from toxic situations. I have to say, it's hard for me because I genuinely care for these people.
     My closest friends have rallied behind me & are making sure I don't relapse into my hold habits, & for that I am eternally grateful. I can truly say that I am too blessed to be stressed! I have an awesome support system, which includes my family & friends.
     Allow me to share these beautiful people & experiences that I am so blessed to have in my life:

                                     My children, who are now caring & positive adults

My growing family, I love them so much

                    My SBMC Peds ED family always is so supportive of me, love them

 Janice, my other Filipino sista, she humbles me & lets me know when I disappoint her; love her for that!

                           The fabulous person that I've become< beautiful inside & out!

 My grand daughter meeting her aunties & uncle for the first time: this was a precious moment, to see      how loving they have become, a really tender moment!

  

 My grand daughter & me enjoying each other's craziness- definitely 2 peas in one pod!

                                                  My grandson, Eli, I love him so much!

                                       My ride or die, Denise- been with me since day1!

                                                          My grand kids, my legacy!

                                         Lils, my Filipino sista, who keeps me on my toes!

                             Joanna, my Honduran sista, who has my back no matter what!

         Jovita, my church sista, she gives me hope & guidance when I need it the most!

My boy toys, RJ & Melly Mel, they remind me that I might still have hope, if I change my vulgar                        -                                                              ways! NOT!

                 My lil prince Eli, who always reminds me that I am loved no matter what!