I have been busy trying to keep busy, if you can relate to what I am saying? It has been difficult for me to handle my loss, unlike most people, I process my mourning by throwing myself into work & not really exploring my feelings. But, I promised my mom that I would slow down & try to enjoy my life & not work myself into an early grave. And although I have cut my hours, my work ethic has not tapered. I picked up extra weekend shifts @ HUMC & I try to spend more time with my father & biological sister. But, no matter what I do I can't seem to overcome my loss, I have lost some pretty awesome people in my lifetime & I am trying to exercise those values that I've learned from them, but not having them in my life as I strive to succeed is cumbersome.
Because I wear so many hats, it has been hard to maintain all of my responsibilities. Being a single mom to 4 young adults & 1 teenager, while maintaining a part time job as a cardio/thoracic nurse & a per diem job as a logistics manager is allot to handle. Having said & done all that, I still manage to have time to go to church & spend time with the people that I love & respect.
My internal struggles are many, beginning with but not limited to: how can I continue to be a good mother, how can I better my nursing skills, how can I improve my managing skills, how will I pay for grad school, do I need to buy a house, how can I help my friends & those I care for dearly, & last, but certainly not least: will I ever fall in love again????
All of these struggles have my mind running a thousand miles per minute. I feel like no matter what I do it's not enough, or is it? I've been told to have conversations with God, & I do; but I still feel lost. I know I have a path & I am designed for bigger things, but, not having my mom & my brother @ my side weakens me. It doesn't help that I feel alone, & sometimes those feelings of loneliness overwhelm me. At the same time, that same feeling empowers me, having gone through those losses strengthens my soul & my belief that I can conquer whatever I need to achieve.
And I am old enough to know that great things take time to evolve. But, my age also reminds me that MY time is limited. I am proud of my children and my accomplishments, but there is so much more that I have to conquer! And as I write this entry, I hear my mom in my ear, saying enjoy what you have now & the rest will come in due time. She always said that I was strong & it will take a very unique person to be @ my side. And so I take heed to what my mom says & will do what I enjoy & that is to work, spend time with those I love, blog & continue to strive for my success. Doing these things make me content, & I will document those moments to remind me how blessed I am. Thank you God for all my blessings!
I leave you with "proof" of my blessings:
My mom
My mom's wise words
My big ass family
My boys & sis
My children & my nephews
My god daughters & son
my biological sisters
my cousin Rob
My Honduran sista
My lil sis
my ability to love others no matter what
my legacy
my beloved city
my god daughters & lil sis & her daughters
my son & Jahkara
My Filipino & Honduran sistas
My daughter Sasha
My daughters & Filipino daughter
My 4LW family
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