Emotional Roller coaster

Hello fellow bloggers, sorry for not blogging in the past 2 days- but I have been busy working & sometimes I'm too tired to blog. Anyway, I have to tell you, I don't know if it's the weather- but I've been very emotional today. It has been raining for the past few days here in NJ & I have been feeling a little blue.

I was rounding on PACU tonight & one of the nurses pulled me over & asked me what my secret was? And I replied, "what secret?"& she said you're always so happy & whenever you see anybody you greet them & have this big smile on your face. I told her, it's a mask, inside I am hurting & then I started tearing, then crying! I was so mad @ myself! Other nurses came to me & said this is not the Delilah we know, what's wrong, & I told them a little bit of my story & they encouraged me that it was meant not to be. I love  that they offered there support, but, I'm mad that I allowed my emotions to overwhelm me. I had to take 10 minutes to recollect myself- they gave me tissues & water & made me laugh a little bit, but this can't happen again!

I think that deep down, I know the holidays are coming & it's going to be my first holiday season in 13 years with just the kids & me. It saddens me that I won't be able to give them a Christmas that they are accustomed to, but I will try my best.

As for my quote for the day, I leave you with this thought:

It is God's blessing, it is the path that God chose for you here in Earth. Whenever we do something that fills us with enthusiasm, we are following our legend. However, we don't all have the courage to confront our dream. - Paulo Coelho

By blogging & sharing my tribulations & triumphs- I feel like I am being filled with enthusiasm, & when I publish my book (hopefully) I would have followed my legend. I hope to confront my dream soon & this blog is my start to fulfilling my dream.

Feeling tired, but blessed!

It has been an exhausting haul- working every night for 9 nights straight in a row with 1.5 days off then 6 nights in a row with 1 day off- but I can't complain, I feel so blessed to be able to work in this manner. I also am glad to be able to take care of myself & my family. My girls are a big help & they are becoming as strong as their Mami. Hopefully, the boys will follow in our trails!

I love going to work, it seems like I always meet somebody amazing, & they influence me in a positive way. My team @ HUMC have always been amazing & now @ SBMC I'm getting to know some more amazing people. The girls @ the Hack have made an effort to spend time with me outside of work & I love them for that- they certainly know how to raise my spirits. My colleagues @ SBMC are now starting to invite me to their outings (outside of work), & I'm really starting to feel the SBMC love, which is now going to be SBH (Saint Barnabas Health). Can't wait for all the holiday festivities. Already had a couple of MDs ask me if I'm going to the Christmas party (@ SBH)!? Not sure what that's about? I have established a good rapport with a few ER docs & some surgical & family residents (they always want beds from me). Can't wait to see all these folks in regular clothes- will be interesting to see them cleaned up.

I will leave you with this quote for tonight:

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." Mark Twain

Day Off continued

Had such a wonderful day off I had to add more to my blog today. I accomplished all my goals today & even had some time to go visit my mami & take the brats to dinner. During dinner we had somewhat of a serious conversation, sometimes I forget that my kids have some wisdom to them. It got to me that both of my sons see me as a sad person- they saw a picture of me @ mami's house & Bebe stated, he wished I could go back to that happy person. It really made me realize, that even I fake being happy around them- they can see right through my mask. I explained to them, that it is going to take some time for me to heal, but I work on it everyday & with each day it gets better & better. I had to apologize to them because I should of not allowed this situation to affect my relationship with them, but I'm only human & unfortunately I do wear my heart on my sleeve.

But I am learning with each day how to react appropriately & be positive with situations whether they are negative or positive. Something that my youngest daughter said during dinner stuck with me- that Dasha does have her moments (love her so much)- she said: try not to wear your past on your shirt, put it in your pocket- I would just like to add to that- I think I will only share my past with a special person who will accept me for all that I am (& I am more than a hand full).

On a lighter note, we went home & finished cleaning the house & doing the laundry. I even got a chance to watch a show I have grown to like: keeping up with the Kardashians. I like this show, because they're a big family like mine & the 3 sisters remind me of my 3 beautiful daughters. I hope to one day find my Bruce Jenner! He reminds me of my father-in-law, always gentle & loves his family no matter how crazy they are, miss you Pop, hope all is well with you & the family- miss you guys dearly.

Day Off & feeling like 1K!

So, here I am again, on my day off & what do you ask I'm doing? Mami things of course! Got off this morning & went food shopping first, came home to nap (sleep for almost 5 hours) & then clean our house & do laundry, oh & don't forget cook dinner! To add to the list pay my bills, can't forget that!

I can't complain about my life right now, I'm feeling grateful to be able to work & take care of my family. I know one day they will turn around & do the same for me, hopefully!

I have to tell you that, this being single again has not been easy @ times I have fun with it & it is liberating. But @ the end of the day I come home to my sweet cocker spaniel, whom always awaits with unconditional love (of course after she trashes the bathroom trash!). Still love her to death ;-)

I have been talking to guys, but nothing romantic has panned out. I feel if I don't look for it, it will find me! (that is my hope). In the mean time, I'm excited about moving, in February, to a more affordable house, I hope to find something reasonable & allows me to save money, so I can travel. Traveling has always been something I wanted to do & now that the kids are growing up & I'm not in a committed relationship, I think I will take this opportunity to explore different places.

As for feeling like 1K- I felt so empowered today buying staples for the house cleaning my house & paying all my bills. It is a feeling of accomplishment like no other! It empowers me to be able to do all these things for myself & my family. I hope to one day feel like I don't have to worry about my financial obligations- I do want to return to grad school & finish what I started. I know God will make a way for me to fulfill that wish.

Although I had to work this past weekend, I got to spend some time with 2 of my daughters & my pseudo Filipino daughter- I love them so much- all my kids are the reason why I put my happy mask on & keep pushing forward with all the strength I can muster out of myself. I want them to see that nothing in life can break you- the only thing that keeps you is yourself. My kids have been my motivation since as long as I can remember. And it all started with my beautiful kind hearted, but silly nephew, Anthony! Whom helped me start this blog- I love that kid with all my heart- he made me a good parent before I had my own children & he continues to inspire me & affect me in so many different levels: I Love You Tony, & I have left- overs for you @ the house- like always!

As for my inspirational quote for the day, I'll give one of my own thought/belief:

Don't let people dictate who you are or become, take their actions & criticisms & grow into a person you know you can take pride in being. Don't be negative, because it draws negativity, instead be positive because it draws positivity! I have learned that by being myself, crazy, unfiltered, honest, & outgoing- has drawn positive people into my life. And whether it be @ work, or while enjoying myself on my day off- I seem to continue to meet people who are worthy of my time & my friendship. I have learned to live without regret & taken all my experiences & learned how to just focus on the good things in life. Everything happens for a reason & I have faith that God's plan for me is a happy one & worth all of my trials & tribulations!

I love my family & my friends & will never take them for granted! I feel so blessed to be alive- thank you God for my life!

Good days & bad days

Yesterday was a good day for me, I accomplished all my goals & was rewarded with a live show @ Radio City Music Hall & had a lovely dinner with an old friend from my past. I really enjoyed myself & felt like it was a step in a positive direction.

Today I failed to accomplish my goals @ the DMV- I am trying to get my NJ plates & do not have my car title & the people @ the DMV were not helpful @ all. I also felt like no matter what I did, I could not get ahead. I did manage to get my boys haircuts & obtain the document I need to get a copy of my car title. I also had plans to spend time with a close friend & was stood up. But I understand that life has its ups & downs, but I can't let it frustrate me & I have to look for the silver lining in today. I guess it would be that I got to rest a little & spent time with my sister Denise.

So for today I will leave you with this saying:

We may not always be able to choose what happens to us, but we can choose to shift our perspective & look @ events as comical, interesting, or as a form of protection. - D. Moffit

Thankful to a NM friend

I had a beautiful night last night! ever since I've come back from home from NM, I have been blessed to enjoy all that the tri-state area has to offer. I've been going to basketball games, going on boat/yacht rides & even going to the city for live entertainment!

Yesterday a couple of my girlfriends & I went to Radio City Musc Hall to see Cirque de Soliel: Zarkana. It was beautiful, afterwards I met with an old friend from my past & walked all around NYC enjoying the city atmosphere- had dinner & enjoyed good conversation.

While out & about, I was FB by an associate from NM, she was questioning my whereabouts & I communicated my situation to her. She apologized & gave me words of encouragement & shared this poem with me, which I would like to share with all of you:

                                                Desiderata Poem

Go placidly amid the noise & haste, & remember what peacethere may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; & listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If youcompare yourself to others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be a greater & lesser person than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; & everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perrenial s the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to yield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & stars; you have a right to be here. & whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the univers is unfolding as it should. Therefore be @ peace with God, whatever you concieve Him to be, & whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. STRIVE TO BE HAPPY.

Thanks Tracy!

Growing Confidence

Everybody that I work with @ HUMC & SBMC, know me as a very happy & funny person who loves to work & dance. I have received positive feedback from my patients, co-workers, directors & even people that don't even work with me. I love going to work & I know it has been very therapeutic for me in a way I can't even imagine. My only worry is that when I am home, if I'm not blogging or busy doing something I feel the sadness & loneliness creep in! I use to love being still & looking @ my life - feeling satisfied & happy with where I was in my life & family. Now a days I cringe when I don't have anything to do, not that- that happens often.

I do miss my previous lifestyle & loved being in a relationship, but I have slowly built my brick wall back up again & don't think I will be able to trust again. Maybe one day, I will be able to sit still & have the same feelings of contentment & satisfaction, but for now I have to hustle & make sure my family gets through this very chaotic period.

I have always been a giving person in all my relationships & there were times that I questioned my practices & was even criticized by close friends & family regarding my ways. But, I can truly say that I never took from anybody or took advantage of any situation & I don't regret loving hard.  I leave you with this quote, which I try to live by on a daily basis:

The conception of I is not known, take heed of the practices of giving, ETHICS, and patience - Nagajuna

Accepting my "New Beginning"

Since April I knew that my marriage was coming to an end, & although I did not want it to end I knew that it eventually it was. As you all know as of yesterday I am officially single. Many of my friends & family have just advised me to embrace my new beginning, to me the thought of starting all over again is literally becoming overwhelming!

My friends have commented on how strong I have become & see the old me re-emerging; the confident & fun loving me. But, what I hide so beautifully is my fears of being lonely. And I know that it sounds impossible to feel lonely with five beautiful children around, but it's been a very painful process. I know I can get through it.

I have allot to be thankful for & also have people in my life who not only have faith in me but know for a fact that I will be happy & for those people I give God thanks for. I am truly blessed. I would like to leave you all with this inspirational quote I read today:

"When we fall on the ground it hurts us, but we also need the ground to get back up" -Kathleen McDonald

And for my haters (you know who you are):
"What is the benefit of exerting mental effort the wrong way?"-Guon

I would also like to acknowledge somebody very special, I have a co-worker @ work who has been like a role model for me & she always tells me how good I look & how well I carry myself, but Lynne, I have watched you & model my actions after yours. I am so blessed to have sisters in my life that guide me & love me enough to influence me in a very positive direction. I love you guys so much- I can't put it into words.

Dreary day literally

In the midst of my 9 night work strecth, the weather has changed dramatically & literally in my life! Last night was my 5th night working & I have successfully thrown myself into my work & have been very happy doing so.

This morning I slept in & woke up to a cold & empty house. When you have teenage children, they don't want to be bothered with you. I'm not sure how I feel about that just yet, but I have had a hard time adjusting to that fact. At this age they just want money & to hang out with their friends.

Not only has the weather changed but my social status is officially changed to divorce. I know I should be happy, but I'm not! I loved being married & I loved the feeling of family, which is something that I lacked in my childhood. I'm very thankful that I did have that feeling of family for 13 years, but am mad that he messed it up for us & didn't even want to fight or work on it.

People who know me & know of my relationship with my ex-husband knew how much I loved him. I just can't believe who he has become & how he can ruin our family unit; & although the kids are not his biological kids, he is the only good father they have known.

I'm sorry, this blog is suppose to be inspirational- so let me stop being sorry for myself & clean up the mess & move on.

So, we are celebrating my Filipino daughter's birthday tomorrow morning; I am so proud of her she graduated college & is preparing to go to med school! I am so excited for her, we will be eating an El Salvadorian breakfast in honor of her birthday & her accomplishments! I guess we can also celebrate my new beginning as well.

I also have to apologize for not posting a blog, but I am a single mami & have to work for a living & sometimes am too tired, but I will try to @ least 3 times a week.

Introduction

Hello fellow bloggers! I started this blog with the help of my nephew, whom I raised as my son. He inspired me to blog for therapeutic reasons. Where shall I begin? I have been seperated (unwillingly) from my husband & am about to get divorced. It's not the first time that I have been hurt, but will be the last time I allow for someone I love to hurt me.

I have slowly & surely been navigating through my healing process, but because it has been such a slow process, my nephew has introduced me to blogging. Since he knows I like to write & share my situation- because it's my way of healing & letting go.

Let me give you a brief synopsis of myself: I am a 40 year old single mom of 5 beautiful children, whom I love very dearly, I also am a loving parent to a 2 yr old cocker spaniel. I am a workaholic with relentless energy, but am having a hard time with my current social situation.

My goal for this blog is to share my story & my daily struggles & accomplishments with people in similar situations to help get them through or inspire them to continue to look for the one.  My goal is not to bash my soon to be ex-husband or have people feel sorry for me- but I hope to help people like me heal or move on to better situations. I would like to consider myself an inspirational blogger.

I hope my journey helps others.