Dreary day, but postive outlook

Today started out funky, but it turned out well. Woke up early to a very negative discussion, but it's not even worth mentioning. Anyway, today was a long day, with court appointments & a birthday celebration & then work @ the Hack (11p-7a). I am now starting to realize that I really have to stop allowing people to spoil my mood. I know I care too much- but there are some people that are not worth that caring. My kids mean the world to me & I have to say, they are really the reason I work so hard- I know one day they will appreciate all that I do for them & all my sacrifices will be all worth it. I can not imagine my life without them!

I leave you with images that feed my soul & make me realize that they are all worth the sleepless nights & the working everyday. I know my kids will one day be very successful & that thought alone is what keeps me going & gives me the motivation to stay focused & let other stuff roll off my back. It really is not worth the frustration, PLEASE don't allow people affect you in any negative way- the more you allow them to affect you, the more power you give them. With that said, I leave you with images that put a smile on my face today:

Whenever I have my  kids with me , I can't help but to smile, because I see the best of me in them. As we celebrate our first birthday of the season, I can't help, but to think that there is nothing that we can't get through- as long as we have each other! Happy birthday Sasha! I love you & am so proud of you & all your accomplishments! As everybody says you are my twin- all the activity you're doing in school, you will do well in life! As for Wa, my Filipino daughter, I have grown to love you as one of my own, love you girl: MAHAL!

You are 22! You are 22! Oh my gosh! you are 22!

New Day

Good Day fellow bloggers, after a restful night with a good 6 hours of REM sleep, I have a better outlook on my life. I was FB'd by a good friend in NM & my half sister this morning & after reading their thoughts I have regained my strength & no longer going to feel sorry for myself. I have plenty to be thankful for: I have my health, my work ethics (which most, who know me & my schedules- think I'm crazy) & most importantly my family & friends. They're always here to cheer, boost me up, & encourage me. Just when I think I'm going to lose it, either a friend or a family member, wakes me up & reminds me that it's not as bad as I think it is & I have the means to get over whatever situation I'm in- no matter what!

I woke up & started reading & looking for a new place to live. I then proceeded to run my errands & as I was driving I received the 2 messages from Tracy & Lygia that I needed to read. Both of you seem to encourage me just @ the right time- the timing has been on point & I am so thankful to have people like the both of you in my life. And you're right Tracy all the bumps in the road will make me stronger & wiser & those who are trying to keep me down are just trying to make themselves feel better & they are sad & pathetic, thinking they can control my destiny or affect me. Not the case anymore- they can only take what I allow them to take, & I am no longer allowing them to take anything from me, anymore! & Lygia thank you for the image- it gave the strength I needed to get through my emotional state! Muah to the both of you.

On a much lighter note I will leave you with 2 images that boosted my mood this morning:

The 3rd image is of me doing something I enjoy & brings good vibes to me when I'm doing it & no it's not masturbating! LOL for those with their heads in the gutter!

When I'm blogging & sharing my truth, I feel empowered & nobody can take that away from me. I also want to mention my nephew, Tony- I spent time with him & his friend this past wkd & I see allot of me in him & it dawned on me, he really is my son! I love you Tony, without you I would not have the courage to start this blog, & as I'm blogging each day I feel my heart fill with content & the best part of this blog is when I see people, who barely know me, tell me they enjoyed a post & it helped them. Thanks to everybody who shares this blog with other people- feeling loved right now!

As for my quote for the day: There are 2 things people want more than sex & money....... recognition & praise- MKA
Everybody wants to feel appreciated, no matter where they are in there life!

Meditating @ will

It has been a stressful 3 days, without going into any details, I have been heavily meditating & soul searching with prayer as well as crying. I know things happen for a reason, but the things that are happening are not making any sense to me. After a very emotional conversation, with a person I won't mention, (not worthy of being mentioned) I went to work & was feeling like I was loosing control. Even though I was not feeling myself, I still carried on as usual. It wasn't until Guma, one of my colleagues @ SBMC, called me to come to his office,to my surprise, he had bought me some Spanish food from one of his favorite restaurants! He reminded me that I'm always good & nice to other people & I shouldn't let one person sour my outlook. I forget that I have the power to not let others affect me negatively. Thanks Guma, for the food & the advice, you are gradually becoming someone I trust & respect. There are two other brothers @ SBMC whom are always concerned & guiding me, that are worthy of mentioning: Nurse & Gannon, these guys always make me laugh & remind me, that no matter what, everything is going to be okay. Their wives are lucky to be married to these fellas! Unfortunately, I don't have pictures of these guys to post on my blog- but will try to post them later.

As for my meditating, a close friend (Tarik), advised me to take an afternoon & be by myself & try to listen to my heart, body & soul & focus on myself for a minute & stop worrying about other people (especially if they are negative). NO NEGATIVE JOO JOO! So I took his advice & went into a deep meditating state @ my favorite spot, couldn't help myself & took some pictures to share with you guys enjoy the views from Eagle Rock reservation:

As for the quote for tonight: What you really have to rely on is your own intuition & when it comes down to it, you really don't know what's going to happen until you do it- Konosuke Matsushita

Lazy Suday off

Had a quite Saturday night @ the Hack, came home & slept for 5 hours & woke up to watch movies with Shami & Marley, we watched 3 movies: Bad teacher, Green Lantern & Harry Potter. Went food shopping & started laundry, in between- Sade & I fixed dinner & watched another movie: X-men origins with Sade, Shadasha, Shami & Marley. Missing Sasha & Shuan. Maybe the day will come, when we all can get together to watch movies like old times. It's funny how, when the kids were younger, I didn't think of missing them or wanting them around to do something as simple as watching a movie together as a family. It all went so fast, I remember when we all use to watch TV together & enjoy just being together, now everybody works & goes to school & finding time to just watch a movie is such an impossible task. I can't wait til the day comes when the kids realize that family is the only thing that will survive the test of time. While relationships will come & go, & we have failures & triumphs in life- we are all that we have. Family is there through thick & thin, bad times & good times. My family means the world to me & to have 1 day to be with them makes me feel like I am neglecting them, but I know they understand my circumstances & they know that my hard work is for them.

 It's always been about my family, they have made me who I am. It's because of them that I push myself & continue to try to make my dreams a reality. Love my brats! & Marley:

Quote for the day: family is forever & time is too limited to waste on people who don't cherish that! -Delilah

Sleepless in NJ

So after a 6 night work week I get off Thursday morning with no breaks to a day off from work, but a full day of running errands & taking care of household chores. First stop Walmart for staples for the household, second stop house to clean & tidy up not only myself but my habitat, third stop dealership to take care of my car. Fourth stop: the bank to notarize my divorce, fifth stop, the one I enjoyed the most, meeting with my colleague from work to help me look for a new home, thanks Gilbert for helping me in my endeavor.

We were in Wanaque, NJ where the views of the mountains & the colorful trees were breath taking. The houses were nice, but unfortunately too far from one of my jobs. We looked @ a couple of places,  while looking @ these places it dawned on me, that this is my new life & that anything is possible & I was the only person who can manipulate my destiny. I was a little scared @ first, but as I posted on a previous blog- I just don't want to survive my life , I want to make my mark in the world! So with that being said, the fear became more manageable. I know that by conquering my fear & moving forward with moderate steps I can eventually leave my mark on this world.

My sixth stop, was my therapeutic & most enjoyful appointment! I went to visit my 4LW sister: Lillibeth (she lives close to Wanaque- Pompton Lakes). We ate dinner, talked, I got a chance to vent my worries regarding my most current situation, I cried I laughed & received good advice without any biases. Thank you Lilly for being a good friend & letting me vent & cry & being their to give me the support & the advice I needed. While @ Lilly's house I received a call from Bebe, my son in NM- whom seems to be doing okay & is trying to register for school. Although I don't like how things are, there is not much I can do, but be supportive of his endeavor & be here when he needs me. As for the sound advice I received from my Filipino sister, I will definitely try a little harder to focus on taking care of myself & try to let go of things & people that don't deserve my energy. I love you, Lils & will definitely visit you more often on my days off, enjoyed our conversation, even though lil Kevin was ready for me to leave!

These are my beloved sisters from 4LW, I love them & cherish them. When I'm feeling down & am ready to give up, they remind me, who I am & what I have already accomplished. We have been there for each other since September 2004. We've been through weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, floods, babies, more floods (Beth), scrapbook parties, holiday parties, honeymoons (Lils & Lo), my marriage & now my divorce. From left my heart Beth, my sassy Sharon, my comadre Joanna & to my left my conscious Lilly. I love you girls whom I call my sisters!

As for my quote for the day, I will leave you with 2: 

1. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living it for others- Steve Jobs

2. Welcome to the season of doing! -Chevy

Telling my truth

Here it is 1 am & I am watching the Latino List on HBO & listening to Usher's Can you handle it, while my Filipino daughter, Wa, dances to it (on YouTube). Doing these things gives me the inspiration I need to write. People who know me well, know that I have been through allot in my life & have managed to overcome all the challenges that have been thrown my way. But surviving situations in life, is just that, surviving. I want to do more than survive, I want to be successful & answer my calling. I now know that writing is my calling in life & that writing, my writing, is going to uplift women & men alike to aspire to be the best they can be. I have been a mentor, role model, an advocate and first & foremost a MOM. All these experiences have given me the confidence to tell my truth & share my accomplishments with people I know & love. The more I talk about it, the more people tell me I should write about it. My story, I've been told, is inspirational & so by journaling/blogging I am beginning to feel more confident with my writing skills. I hope to one day feel confident enough to write my story. Being a nurse & working with different people with different lifestyles also allows me to see/witness other people's triumphs. I have been so blessed to be able to help people through the healing process & I believe that telling my truth & sharing it with people I can not only heal myself but also help others heal.

I just don't want to survive my life I want to leave my mark on the world & after watching the Latino List & hearing the stories of these people I know that I am the only person that can make it happen for myself. My children, all of them, Chris, Tony, Sade, Sasha, Shadasha, Shuan & Shamorr motivate me to push myself & maybe one day I will be on the Latino List telling my success story. Assuring & demanding my place in the world will assure my children's success.

These are my biological children, but Chris & Tony are loved & cherished just as much as these knuckle heads. They are all, the oil that light my fire! I love you guys & Mom dukes is well on her way to make her mark in this world. Love you guys! AND THAT IS MY TRUTH!

Busy Weekend/ appreciating & acknowledging family

Good Morning fellow bloggers,

How are you guys? I had a very eventful weekend, of course it all started @ work. Had been working since Friday, Sunday was my 3rd 12 hour shift & after a break less Saturday night working on a pt who was sick beyond imagination- I came in Sunday night ready to personally & physically transfer the pt to the CCU. As I transferred pt to the bed from the chair, they became unresponsive & the eyes  dilated & they were apneic, & turned blue! I called a code & after 9 minutes of sinus brady & no blood pressure, pt went into a pulse less electrical activity for 19 minutes, after intubation, insertion of a central line & pushing several life saving drugs, we got pt back in a sinus tachycardia rhythm in the 150's! God, I love my job!

Unfortunately, once stabilized, pt went to CCU & expired @ 12 am. I felt so bad because on Saturday night I had become so frustrated with this patient- I had 3 drips to manage: lasix, primacor, & insulin which I was titrating every hour & checking her blood sugars every hour, needless to say I couldn't make the patient comfortable. Went o CT dept with pt, which showed significant amounts of fluid in the lungs bilaterally. Taking care of very sick people make me realize how fragile life can be. It has certainly made me more aware that I should take care of my health & it should be priority. Having delayed death temporarily really has been a rude awakening to me. I now realize, more than ever, that if it's meant to be it will be, no body can change God's plan.

On a lighter note, the leaves have started changing colors & have begun to fall. I have been made aware that I am working too much & neglecting what has been important to me, my family. It dawned on me that I need to be there for my teenage son; having lost my 16 year old- I feel like I have to pay more attention to my 14 year old son. I made it to one of his soccer games last week & felt like I have been missing out on his accomplishments. I hope he understands that I have to work to provide for our family. Hopefully my schedule, will lighten up soon & I find a more manageable living space for us. Being a single parent is hard, but I know my kids know that I love them & will do whatever it takes to make sure they have. I have no doubt in my mind that my kids will be successful! I am so proud of my daughters, they are now 23, 22, & 21 (this year anyway) & neither of them want kids, they are focused on obtaining their degrees & establishing themselves. As for my sons, Chris is planning to re-enter school next year for engineering, Bebe is trying to figure himself out & is currently working on registering @ PVHS in NM. Shamorr has been doing great @ WOHS & playing soccer & becoming more fluent in Spanish.

 So proud of my boys (Murray, Bebe, Chris & lil Shami). How time flies, one thing is for sure, material things mean nothing if you don't have loved ones to share them with, & although I am single again nobody can take away the love I have for my family (& inherited son). This kid has come along way & he knows I will always be here for him no matter what!

And as for my lovely daughters, I am so proud of these chicks! Graduating high school has been the first of many accomplishments to come, next year we will be celebrating 2 college graduations & pushing on to Grad school! These girls have definitely inherited their Mami's drive! No obstacle in life is unaccomplishable, with family & friends that love you & have faith in you- obstacles are manageable & it's just a matter of time that we get to that place were we feel successful. My time is coming & it feels good that my family is with me along the way. And I can't forget my friends, without them I wouldn't be writing this blog. Thanks to Beth, Monique, & Jodi for reminding me that I am special & I have a voice & it commends to be heard! Love you girls so much!

Slow Progression

Hello fellow bloggers,
Here it is 1 hour before a 12 hour shift @ the Hack & what am I doing, blogging! You ask-Why? Because it's my healing process & it helps me get through, that's why. So, I've been having more days off in between both jobs & I have had time to reflect on some current issues in my life. I have not been blogging due to the situation with my son, but that's water under the bridge & the only thing I can do @ this point is be here when he needs me & pray that he figures things out in a positive way & may God see him through. As for me, I have struggled with that decision to let go, but I can't help somebody who disrespects me & refuses to listen to me.

As for my healing process, I have written emails & taken allot of thoughts off my chest & sent them to the appropriate people & although I have expressed myself in the past, this time it seems different. I feel more confident with my current situation, still hurts, but I believe scabs are starting to form. Eventually, they will heal appropriately & not leave scars only memories. I have been talking to people who guide me through my healing process, but have become somewhat sufficient on relying on myself. I use to want to be around people & forget about situations, but it has been my experience, that for me- anyway, I have to face my demons & let them know how their actions have affected me. The whole process has allowed me to grow in ways I didn't know I was capable of growing. I also have started a new reading collection, thanks to my nephew (Tony- I love this kid). My new reading collection- thanks to Jess & Tony.

One realization I have had recently was that I let myself be content with settling & not challenging myself to obtain my calling. I loved being married & I know I just got too comfortable & let myself go & forgot that anything can be taken away @ any given moment. I don't regret my relationship, it enriched my life & my family in many ways & that is what I will treasure- not the negative way it ended. I pray & hope that I find somebody who is worthy of me & will appreciate what I have to offer. In the mean time, I will continue to work & strive for the person I can be & help my family achieve their goals. As for my son, who is in NM, I pray for you & ask God that he protects you & gives you the wisdom you need to make the right decisions. I have notified my friends in NM & they will keep an eye out for you- I love you & wish you the best.

Hopeful

GM fellow bloggers,
Here it is Columbus Day 2011 @ 0530, & I am waking up after 5.5 hours of sleep to clean up cocker spaniel diarrhea on my bedroom carpet- ah the joys of motherhood! Anyway, I have to apologize for not putting any entries on my blog, I had a follower ask me what was going on, but it has been a very eventful couple of days that have passed & I wasn't sure if I wanted to share with you guys. But after a discussion with people I love, whom encouraged me to write about it, who also said that sharing my situation might help somenone else in a similar situation gain some perspective, I have decided to share- so here we go:

Last weekend I realized I could no longer retain one of my children. As a mother we always want to take care of our children & want the best things out of life for them. But, sometimes it doesn't pan out that way. I have a very stubborn child, who swears they know what they're doing & knows too much, all the clashing & bucking of heads within the household came to complete stop a week ago when this child decided to leave & not come back! And although we were not getting along & there was allot of friction amongst us- I want them back @ the house! But I also know that as a mother the best thing you can do is allow your child the freedom to live their lives & be there for them when they need you- it's called tough love & that toughness is mostly more on the parent than on the child (they're to naive to know any better). I know for me, as a parent, I want & expect a certain level of respect & responsibility within my household & this particular child, after several attempts & different variations of discipline, was having trouble following the rules, hence the decision to leave.

It has been this situation that has emotionally drained me to the point where people around me have noticed a change in my demeanor & have become concerned. But, after discussing it with people I trust, they have advised me to just stand back & just be there when the time is right. Sometimes a decision that seems so hard to accept - is the only acceptable decision there is, if you know what I mean. So, like my pastor says, sometimes all you can do, Delilah, is leave it up to God & pray, & that is exactly what I am going to do & make sure I am here when this kid needs me. Time to reel in the life boat & watch this kid either swim or sink! The hardest thing I have been forced to do, to just stand back & wait- it's hard for moms to do this with their children, because we don't want our children to drown! I just hope this kid remembers the doggie paddle that I taught him.

On a happier note, this situation has created a better or should I say a tighter bond between my baby son & myself. This kid has stepped up & changed his attitude towards me in noticeable ways. He has been spending more time with me on my days off & is more affectionate, he always has been, but more now than ever. He even cooks & cleans without the lip!

This guy is going to make a wonderful husband! He cooks, cleans, fixes things & is so affectionate! I love him to death! This weekend we went to watch my god-daughter play soccer, ah I miss those days when managing the kids was more physical than emotional! Here is my new little soccer star, she scored 2 goals in her game yesterday & you know my big mouth was the loudest one on the field:

Yesterday was also the 16th year anniversary of my beloved brother's death. I spent most of it by myself, 16 years ago I lost my best friend, my motivator, my partner in crime. And although we fought allot, we always had each other's back, no matter what! It was because of him that I became a nurse & have high expectations for not only myself, but my kids as well. I was fine the whole day, it wasn't until I met my Mami @ the cemetery & saw her carefully putting flowers on his grave, that I lost it & cried like a little girl- it just reminded me how a mother's love is relentless (@ least for myself- for my kids, & for my mami & me)! I have faith & hope & that my troubled kid will do the right thing- my mami reminded me how stubborn I was & said & look @ you now, so what that statement I didn't worry as much, I know that each of my kids have a little of me in them & that knowledge alone gives me some peace. They all have the drive & intelligence I have, they just have to dig deep to find it & choose to exercise it. I have planted those seeds in the six kids that I raise: Tony, Sade, Sasha, Dasha, Shuan, & Shami. And I am hopeful that those seeds will sprout & help them gain their success, I just hope to be their to witness them blossoming. & on that note I leave you with images that moved me yesterday. (No quote today- images are sometimes more powerful than words)

My Mami

My Aunt & my brother- who gave me the drive & I will continue to aspire to bigger things until there is nothing left in me!

Awesome 2nd day off

Hello fellow bloggers,

 Had an awesome second day off! It started with me crying to Sex in the City! Still emotional, but now I know why (that time of the month). Anyway, while cleaning my room & starting the laundry I was watching this movie & when Big stood Carrie up @ the altar it hit me like a ton of bricks! I started crying like a big baby! SMH!

 I then got a call from my sister, Denise, whom had volunteered my car to move a homeless person. I was annoyed @ first, but when I met the lady, we were helping I was glad that Denise volunteered me. This lady is from the Ukrane & she was widowed 4 years ago & she never worked before, because in her culture her job was to take care of the house & her husband, she has no kids & no family in this country & was homeless for a while. Denise who works for the EOHA (housing authority) had helped finding her an apartment & because she had nobody, Denise offered to help her move what little she had. Hence, I got involved, after getting to know the lady we were helping I understood why Denise was helping her, she had nobody here, no family or friends. In the end, I'm glad we helped her, all good deeds make me feel good about myself. It has always been my philosophy to give than to to recieve.  Good deeds always draw positive karma!

Afterwards I went home & finished cleaning then got ready for a night on the town. I was meeting Lils, Jo, Ash & their significant others @ a Taiwanese restaraunt in Jersey City & as always we had a ball! Denise couldn't come because she was too sick- but I sent her pictures of the event, so it was like she was there!

As you can see we did allot of damage! We ate almost all of the food. It's always fun hanging out with my 4LW sisters & their families. We were suppose to go to a Halloween scarey hay ride, but unfortunately the rain tonight did not allow for that. When Minh, Kevin & I get together there is no topic that we don't discuss, just to say we were there for almost 3 hours cracking up on nurse stories & trooper stories! I love those guys, they're hillarious, but vulgar & sweet all @ the same time. Poor Ash, I hope she will come next time. I know we all had a good time, can't wait to do it all over again in 3 weeks! 

Tonight instead of leaving you with a quote, I will leave you with an image one of my 4LW sisters shared with me when I was blue a couple of months ago, thanks Jodi, we missed you tonight!