Beautifully Broken

Good morning bloggers,

My journey as a single mother of 5 grown ass kids, Lola to 2 little grands, younger sister, auntie to my 3 nephews, nurse & supervisor  @ my 2 facilities & a good friend to all my close friends: This journey has had its ups & downs, curves, & forks, but I continue to become a better version of myself. I have learned so much within my profession & as a mother, that with every lesson it adds to the library of my brain.
When I tell others my journey they always are amazed @ my resilience. I've been broken but I decided a long time ago to pick up my pieces & glue them back together with valuable lessons & good practice. And when I practice goodness or laughter, it returns to me in blessings. I have been able to travel & meet some awesome people, & with each encounter I learn something new.
This goes to those who have betrayed me: I forgive you, & thank you for teaching me very valuable lessons & allowing my soul to move forward with a plethora of experiences wether they be good or bad, they have molded me to the person I am today. There are days I wish we could talk & I can tell you all my accomplishments & travels. All what I've seen & experienced & I owe it all to the heartbreak you caused me. I've taken my broken pieces & cemented them with gold! I value every lesson I have learned & move forward positively, cautiously & much wiser than before.
I've learned how to appreciate genuine & consistent people. I've also learned how to focus & appreciate what I have & not worry or emphasize on what I don't. That has taught me to have faith in God's process, she does things on her time, & that has taught me patience.
This journey of mine has forced me to become the best version of myself thus far & it continues to teach me very valuable life lessons, & for that I am eternally grateful & beautifully broken!

Happiness

Good morning bloggers,

I've been under allot of stress lately, but I always manage to find my inner happiness & peace. The most valuable lesson I've learned in my 46 years of living is to remain calm & choose to react positively to any situation. Always do the right thing even when nobody is looking, it's called integrity! Talk to God even when things are good in your life. When you can't control what is happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what's happening. Never underestimate the healing power of listening to your favorite music on full blast while jumping around like an idiot! Find something that brings you joy and satisfaction & practice it religiously. It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply, but knowing how to react outwardly despite your internal feelings will allow you to be successful. Difficult paths definitely lead to beautiful destinations. Life is better when you laugh allot, cry a little, and are thankful for everything you have. Remember that you are the architect of your own life,  you're totally capable of designing and living a masterpiece of your choosing. Stay focused on what you want to achieve and you will find ways to solve your difficulties and break through barriers.
Educate yourself when a question about a certain topic presents itself. Watch movies and documentaries to enhance your knowledge. When something sparks your interest, read about it, study, expose yourself to new things and stimulate your brain and senses. It is the joy/happiness within you that creates a magnificent life on the outside. It doesn't matter where you are, what you're doing, who you're with, or what is happening, it's up to you to make it joyous. Don't allow others to affect your mood, I'm struggling with that one because I love hard and those loved ones are the ones bringing drama to me!
Happiness is not something out that you bring in, it's something within that you bring out! Surround yourself with people with like minds that are positive and forward thinking! I know I do!
And remember, nobody can make you happy until you're happy within yourself first!

Knowledge is my nourishment

Good morning bloggers,

I've been here since Thursday & I explore different parts of the island daily. It's so rich in culture, history, myths & rituals. Every time I learn something new about the island I am fascinated. As I learn this culture I realize that I am becoming addicted to traveling & discovering new things, places & people. Each time I visit a different country/ place I loose my fear & build my confidence. Had you question me about traveling  8 years ago I would have said, it's up to my husband (ex). Now a days I take off every 4 months, domestically & internationally. I consider myself blessed to be able to go to all these places & meet new people.
And although I'm all the way in Maui, almost 13 hours away from NJ, I met some people from Livingston, NJ! Not only did it make me realize that other people share my passion, but it also made me realize that it is a small world. I have to admit, I really have not explored the island @ night, but it's because my work ethic @ home causes my physical exhaustion! I'm still working on that situation. But, I'm glad to report that tonight I will be mingling with the locals. Let's see what this evening brings!
As for nourishing my health: health does not always come from medicine. Most of the time it comes from peace of mind, calmness in your heart, & the tranquility of your soul. In short health comes from laughter & love! And this is why I possess an infectious cackle & have love for all people & things.
As for my social status: women with higher IQ's have a harder time finding a mate, because their intelligence doesn't allow them to be with the wrong person! And this is why I remain single.
It wasn't always this way, but time, experiences, situations, & very valuable lessons have taught me better!
Let me share my new knowledge:

Highly Favored

Good afternoon bloggers,

I write to you from the majestic island of Maui! This entry was inspired by a conversation I was having with one of my friends. He was surprised to hear me say that I was going to be blogging for big part of my day. Blogging helps me express my feelings & sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with joy! My journey has been so difficult & when I'm surrounded by natural beauty, I realize how truly blessed I am!
So many people have been in my life & left, in some form, & I still get to do things I love! Like traveling, adventuring, & so many other experiences. There is an eloquence in free enthusiasm that can't be doubted! One of the greatest & simplest tools for learning more & growing is doing more. Loose the fear, it will cripple you, learn how to love learning new things, meeting new people, & having new experiences! I promise you, you WILL NOT regret it!
My life journey continues to surprise me, my only regret is that I have not found anyone worthy of sharing it with! But one of my most valuable lessons has been patience, & for that I am eternally grateful! Be bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart & strong enough to live the life you always imagined. I regret nothing in my life even if my past was full of hurt, I still look back & smile. Because it made me who I am today!
This is why  I am convinced that I am highly favored!

  

 

Strength

Good afternoon bloggers,

Had to air this out immediately before it fled my mind!

As I sit here awaiting my results, I am in a deep state of thought: I always had this belief that everything that I have endured has been by myself! But, you see, I've had this epiphany as I wait patiently! The pivotal people that were taken from me, were taken because they can watch over me & guide me better from up above.  Whenever I become scared or overwhelmed, I have learned to close my eyes & feel the presence of my paternal grandma, my brother, & my mami; the feeling of their presence allows me to calm down & gives me the confidence that I need to overcome whatever I am struggling with. I was not priveleged to meet my Aunt Rosa (my mami's older sister), but I feel like her soul watches over me.
She was the first on my maternal side of the family to obtain a degree, a degree in nursing (none the less)!
As for those who were "taken" from me in other ways, I believe that they were incapable of being strong with me or were/are too weak to participate/ be a part of my life. As I continue my journey & triumph all my obstacles, I can feel my strength multiplying & my soul growing!
I would like to take a moment to thank the important people, who are currently in my life that have been supportive as I move forward in my life. Y'all know who you are, I appreciate your words of encouragement & all your thoughtful actions!
I love ❤️ y'all & truly appreciate your presence in my life!

Discovering my inner mogul

Hey ya'll,

It hasn't been too long, but on my nights off I find myself allowing my creative juices flow, so here we go:

Coming from immigrant parents who came to this country to pursue "the American Dream" it was installed in me to work hard, further my education, & own my own house. That sounds like a good dream, but I've been there & done that. As I age I'm discovering that I possess a higher calling & I have the gift of moving & inspiring people! It's one of the major reasons I use my blog as a platform to inspire & motivate people to think for themselves! And the fact that life has this funny way of throwing curves at you as you try to fulfill your highest potential, hence this entry. Those curves are the main reason that pushes me to share my experiences, it also allows a documented timeline for me to look back on & realize how far I have come.

Coming from very stoic parents who were not vocal & for the most part tried to lead by example, I have taken those basic goals & set them higher. As a very young mom I knew I wanted a better life for my kids, now that they're grown I still have the need to fulfill my own full potential.

I am discovering that I do better on my own & by myself. The reason being that when I'm into something or somebody I give them or that my all! So now that I am single, I am giving myself my all. And I mean in all aspects of my life, which includes, physically, mentally, emotionally, & soulfully. I am currently in the midst of a 10 week fit challenge, and I am also researching how to pursue my enterprenial goals. Unfortunately, because I am "too passionate" about my goals, I am going to have to ebb my intimate relationship life. And I have always said, if God wants me to be with somebody, he will send him to me @ the right time.

As for my inner mogul, I have so many ideas that I have to work on to make into my reality. I just hope that the people that really matter stick around & watch & help in my growth & will be there to celebrate my successes!

Reminders from the almighty

Good morning bloggers,

Just wanted to share this thought with you guys. I'm not sure what to make of it?!?!? I'm trying to decipher whether it is exhaustion or the lord speaking to me in my dreams!?!?! I rarely dream, but when I do, my God! They feel so real & vivid to me! I can feel, hear, smell, & almost touch in them which make them feel real to me! So, in a midst of multiple nights in a row, I was asked to reschedule, leaving me off tonight. I didn't realize how exhausted my body was until I laid back down & fell asleep again; my eyes felt so heavy & my body so numb.

I wake back in the time where my youngest son was a toddler, & my other son was a teenager & my mom was still alive. I am also still trying to salvage my marriage in an apartment that harbors many unpleasant memories for me. In this dream/nightmare I come to that apartment with my mom & 2 sons to pick up some stuff, & to my surprise- it is occupied with my ex & his mistress. I try to avoid confrontation but, the persistent side of me confronts him to ask why? I can feel him grab my arms & whisper in my ear, "I can't be with someone who is not my equal", these words resonated inside me, to the point of waking up!

So, here I lay trying to psycho analyze what this meant for me!?!? The thoughts are depriving me of further sleep! The realities are that, my mom for some reason did not like my ex, but I have taken that apart in components: she didn't like him because he took her baby from her, he also took her grandchildren from her, & he moved us out of state. & I believe that's why her presence was in the dream, to remind me of that & make me cognizant of that fact.

Moving on to the next part of this dream/nightmare, my sons are 2 years apart, my youngest loved my ex dearly, my older son resented him,  because he took his mom from him.  Not literally,  but in his mind, his mom prior to this relationship,  was completely devoted to them- & that changed once she was in that relationship. He now had to share his mom with this other person & I believe that my son was not willing to do that yet. & although both of my sons came to respect, love & admire my ex, they were also deeply affected by the separation then eventually the divorce profoundly! Because it was the first man they saw their mother trust completely & give herself  wholeheartedly. And they saw how that affected me, the strong woman who allowed a man to not only weaken her, but debilitate her very being!

As for what he whispered into my ear, the reality of that is: @ the time all this happened I had started grad school for my doctorate & the person he left us for - let me just leave that out, because I am trying to analyze what this meant to me! I think this dream/nightmare was trying to remind me that I still have allot of work to do on myself & I am in no way, shape or form to completely give myself to anybody else! I'm still discovering who I am as a woman, for that matter a human being! The presence of my sons, mother, & ex, imply that I allow people who mean the most to me affect me. But, I am happy to report that: I'm making myself the most meaningful person in my life! And I will only allow myself to affect me profoundly!

I hope you guys enjoyed this one, because I revealed myself & shared my vulnerabilities!

The Dance of the CSICU night RN

Good evening bloggers,

I have been off from my unit since Thursday morning, & I have to say it has been refreshing to walk amongst the "normal people" with "normal schedules". But I've realized that I don't fit- I mean I love sleeping in my bed @ night & having a sense of fulfillment after my morning workouts, seeing my family & being able to cook & eat dinner with them. But, I miss my work family & taking care of my critically ill patients! I don't think people or doctors realize what happens during the night shift, it's a delicate dance between knowledge of anatomy, physiology, pathophysiology, mechanics, chemistry, luck & allot of faith! Which put this little medley in my mind that I created:

From receiving the pt from the OR we hook cables up, we level the arterial lines, flush them & triage them to make sure we have blood return, so we can draw labs & await the results so we can replace electrolytes & check the arterial blood gases to check Ph, bicarbonate & of the such. We check the a-line blood pressure to titrate the norepinephrine (levophed) &/or the milrinone (primacor), nitrogen , & the insulin. Blood sugars done every 2 hours to maintain a blood glucose above 70, but less than 150! We check the incision sites & the drainage systems to see if there are clots or over bleeding, & prepare to give either blood products or amicar, oh & don't forget the handy albumin 25%! Oh & please don't forget the oral gastric tube & the ventilator that requires silencing the alarm while you suction & watch your tidal volumes & the pt over/under breathing the vent & getting the appropriate volumes that are compatible with life! Then we have to decide if we are going to turn or tilt the patient in order to protect the skin from ulcers (skin break-down), which sometimes moving the patient is not an option!
And this is just the tip of the iceberg!

Now let's talk about devices!!!
From the intraortic ballon pump, Impella, Ekos, centrimag, LVAD (left ventricular assistive device), to the mother of all devices ECMO (extracorpeal membrane oxygenation)! Not only do we manage the patient, we manage the devices, triage the ventilator, titrate or wean the drips all while maintaining our cool & depending on each other for moral & knowledge support! So you see, this is why I love my colleagues, we've become sisters & brothers & rely on each other to keep the patients alive & I contribute by keeping it light & feeding my babies! Humor is what sets us free & my sarcasm is sick & I want to believe that it does help lighten the load on the nights that I'm @ work!

So you see, you all know me as a crazy & fun loving, adventurous person, but there is this side of me that respects life & death & takes my job seriously! Because it is very serious!!!

True Love

Good morning bloggers,

So last night I was invited to my sister's boyfriend's 50th birthday party.And as we are enjoying ourselves with music, dancing, & eating soul food, he commences to announce that he is grateful for the gathering & he tells us that, for over 20 years he waited for his true love & proposes to my sister, Denise.

So, let me just give a little synopsis of this relationship, these 2 grew up together & dated briefly in the past, but were going in different directions. They still remained friends over the years & after going in very different directions they found eac other again (intimately), & decided to date again, which snowballed into last night!

Hence the title to this entry. As you all already know, Denise & I have been best friends for almost 31 years! We met through my babies' daddy, he use to be best friends with Denise's twin, Dennis, my pseudo brother. For years Denise & I have held each other down through thick & thin. And it's funny because when we attended my cousin's wedding a couple of year's ago, we had promised to grow old together & take care of each other because we were both done with men! But I am so happy for the both of them. To see how these two react around each other has restored my faith in men.

It's nice to see that a few men do finally mature & can appreciate a good woman. And although I can be very intimidating & aggressive, oh & I can't forget "too passionate" (lol), I have a little faith that there is someone out there for me.

But until then, I'm going to continue falling in love with myself & work on bettering myself & make my dreams into reality. And that means continuing to travel, facing my fears, & building my empire!

And right now, I want to celebrate Denise & Rah's happiness! Can't wait for the wedding!!!!

My Life Journey

Good evening bloggers,

I write to from Humacao, PR, this is entry was inspired by my frequent travels & how blessed I am to be able to travel. I was on a mountain taking pictures of the spectacular views & it made me emotional. My best friend Denise, or should I say my sister from another mother, was with me & suggested I write about my experience. So, I find myself pouring my feelings into this entry. As I look out into the vast ocean from this tropical island I feel a sense of accomplishment. I have overcome allot of adversary in my life, but God always allows me to move forward & do things that I never imagined possible. Since my divorce my travels have taken flight & I have traveled @ least every 4 to 5 months to places I have never thought of! I knew of them & dreamt about visiting them & experiencing the culture, the people, their rituals & taste their cuisine. I am happy to report that I have fulfilled those exact dreams.

As a child my Mami always sent us to El Salvador for the summers, so we wouldn't loose our culture, we also traveled to California because my paternal grandmother lived there & she had a big role raising my brother in I in NYC. But, we never thought of this traveling as a privilege. As an adult with a large family I had the opportunity to expose my children to the traveling culture & was blessed to be able to take them to Jamaica, Bahamas, Paradise Island, Hawaii, Dominica Republic, San Francisco, Florida, & even exposed them to a Caribbean cruise. As I grow older my curiosity for more venues has expanded & I have had the pleasure to travel domestically & internationally. As you all know my trip to Dubai has broadened my horizons & has me looking forward to visit the following countries: Egypt, Prague, Brazil, China, Philippines etc. Through the grace of God & my sick work ethic, I believe I can accomplish this!

My only regret is that I don't have my Mami & big brother physically here to share these experiences with. But as I take time to appreciate these experiences I feel their presence with me & as I see these amazing venues I can assure myself that they are sharing these joys with me.

PS, unfortunately @ this time I am unable to upload our pictures, but they are soon to follow & thanks for your patience!

My Solidarity

Good morning bloggers,

Been MIA for a minute, but I have a good excuse! I'm currently working on my entrepreneurship and have been busy researching ways on how to pursue my dreams & make them my reality! I also have initiated monthly outings with my colleagues  @ both facilities in order to keep the moral up. Yes, I feel obligated to do this because I like to spread happiness, & what better way to do that than to spend time doing unstressful things!

As for the title for this entry, I have been spending a lot of time with colleagues, friends, & family & have had limited time to myself. During that limited time I reflect on how my life is currently going, I  truly love the person that I'm becoming, I stress less & give little energy to irrelevant people/situations; & try to focus on what is important to me. I realize now that what is important to me has become the relationships that I develop with positive people. I have learned that people who genuinely care for me have my best interest @ heart ❤️ & I try to reciprocate that. My solidarity has also taught me to appreciate my family & friends, it also humbles me. I now know my worth & refuse to settle for less! I know now that I deserve the best because I am the best. So as I work hard to make my dreams my reality I hope God sends me someone worthy of me & can handle my crazy ass personality & be able to give me the love I deserve!

Being alone has given me a different level of confidence that I needed to build myself up. It has taught me to love myself in different ways. I now know to take better care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, & sexually (can't leave that part out because it's a big part of me!). I feel unstoppable & I hope to write about my success soon!