Learning how to self-soothe

Good afternoon fellow bloggers,

Today is a day off in a midst of a long week, I go back to my grind tomorrow night; but I will definitely make sure I enjoy this beautiful day & night off. Those of you who know me, know that I am challenging myself to an androgynous lifestyle; & for me it has been very difficult, because I am a very sexual person & because  of the divorce that aspect of my life has been very very difficult to say the least. But what has amazed me the most is the moral support I have received from my prude crew @ HUMC & some of the moral support I have received from my brothers @ SBMC; it has given me a different perspective on life & all the advice I was given by both parties has been enlightening.  Even people who I have not seen in a long time are supporting my plight. (Thanks Mulan).
 I am now focusing on other things that have become relevant to me this year, one being my health. I have found a new work out partner, Ace, who is motivating me to obtain my pre-marriage body. Mind you I was 90 lbs (after having my 5th child) when I met my ex-husband, but that is not my goal, my goal is to be toned & strong & be able to perform the Ciara dance routine for Ride. I had one of my colleagues ask me who am I performing for & I responded by saying- it's for somebody I respect & love very dearly, & they asked, who is this special person & I said, MYSELF! I am finally starting to do things for myself, I have always been capable of doing things, but I always did them for other people & their approval. I am learning how to do things just for me; it has been difficult, because I am a people pleaser & I always put others before me- it's the mother in me & the loving person I am. But, it is now time to show myself love, unconditional love; & I am. I now take long baths & think of nothing, I also go to the spa & treat myself to beautifying treatments. And, I go out & enjoy the company of good friends & good conversation. My daughters have had a hard time adjusting to my new outlook, but my Shami has supported the new me- I love that kid! My other son, Bebe, calls me randomly & just reminds me, that he loves me & misses me- I love you & miss you to- Bebe.
As for learning how to self-soothe, I am now learning how to appreciate my long walks with Marley & when the house is empty, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I enjoy the quietness & take that time to reflect & write. This blog has been a large part of my healing process, the biggest unexpected bonus has been my followers! They are the reason I force myself to blog whenever I can. It has been amazing to have people walk up to me & ask how I am doing & how they enjoy reading my entries. It's different when my friends ask me because they see me & I know they follow me, but when a stranger asks- it's a great feeling! Especially when they tell me they can relate to my situation or what I wrote helped them in some way!
Quotes/Images:

-learning when to let go is the same as learning when to love, which is the same as learning when to open up again...- Mulan

Thanks Mulan- needed to hear this after certain events that occurred this week- & so I let go & I am learning how to love myself.

This one is for you (you know who you are)- thinking before you talk, allows you to be sensitive to others feelings- something that makes you a "loyal servant"

This one goes to all my sistas who always make time for me no matter what! I love y'all, & y'all know who you are! Muah

This one is for me! Not that I underestimated myself, but I forgot how much strength I possessed- I can get through anything- I know I have a couple of angels in heaven looking down on me, & making sure I have what I need to accomplish what I want! Thank you God!

this is a nice day where it's snowing @ 50 degrees & sunny, reminding me to accept the unexpected!

another point of view of the sunny, mild, & snowy day- the little specs are snow flakes- beautiful!

Treading through the bad & grateful for my good

Good Afternoon fellow bloggers,

It has been a morning of questionable & upsetting news, I recieved a call from the Breast center regarding my mammo results, apparently there are questionable dense areas seen in both breasts- which require follow up imaging. Not sure what this means, but being the dramatic latina, I am preparing for the worst. I also recieved an e-mail from my ex-lanlord stating I owe them money & that I was not getting my deposit back due to some damage they found to the house!
There was also a negative interaction /w the ex-husband, which lead to a crying session. But, I got over it quickly. I wrote an email & texted what I was feeling & left it to God. It's all I can do @ this point. I'm just mad I let him get to me & shed tears for him. But I needed the cleanse, feeling much better now & I can enjoy the rest of the evening off!
On a happier note, I would like to share my accomplishments with you guys:

1. a carnation given to us by our director @ SBMC on V-day; a week old, I have been nurturing it & it's still alive!

2. My keys to my new place & my new car, I feel like a new woman, & I did it all by myself!

3. My new place, might not be much, but it's all mine & I share it with my 2 daughters & my youngest son.

4. the tree that greets me every morning when I walk my Marley (after work). it will provide us with shade this summer!

5. My new 2011 Nissan Rogue, which makes sure I get to work every night & does not kill my pocket when I fill it up with gas!

6. the unconditional love I get from my beautiful Marley, every morning I come home! & this is why I take her on long morning walks & she sleeps with me all day until I have to go to work!

Quote:

Thank You Heather for reminding me of this- today of all days, but I think I needed to cry today & be cleansed; I feel much better- I needed that cleanse!

Soul Searching- deeply

Good Morning fellow bloggers,

It has been a couple of days since I've blogged- I have been busy working & putting my little nest together. I have been blessed to be able to navigate through all my tribulations with ease. God does give you only what you can handle. I have been able to obtain some things in my life that I needed to properly care for my family & myself. And although the rug was pulled from under me- I am thankful, I am learning that I have all the strength I need to manage all the situations that life throws @ me. And even though there are times that I felt I am barely making it, God allows me the opportunity to look back & make me realize that I can get through any situation. It has been amazing to see how much strength I possess & when I have my moments of weakness, God reminds me, that he/she has blessed me with the wisdom to carry on; whether it be in small signs or the people he surrounds me with, I know I will be alright. Check out my new dinning room & the start of my new living room:

Valentine's Day was a hard day for me, it was my first V-day in 13 years that I had no-one to share it with. I had all kinds of emotions running through me, mostly negative, but I realized I have to get over all those negative feelings! My solution: treat myself to something I know I deserved, so I am buying a necklace & a Swatch watch for myself; I have to start learning how to love myself first before I can fall in love with someone else. I have started showing myself love by  taking better care of myself: I started eating healthier & started my work out regimen back up again. I now spend my days off partially meditating & planning for my educational future. I did get a chance to see how true love is suppose to be or I would like it to be for myself; or my version of how I want to be loved- well you know what I'm trying to say, I took pictures of what I thought acts of love are, see what you think:

Although these images are materialistic, it's the thought, the energy, & the planning behind it that shows/proves that you love the person. Slowly, but surely I am learning how to love myself. I am finding that the person I am deserves better & I won't settle for less- I have been through enough in my life & I won't allow myself to be hurt or treated in substandard ways!

Quotes:

As I continue my journey through my life, I can't help but to feel blessed for everything that has happened to me & the people that are currently in my life. And although I have lost allot I have gained allot as well & for that I am thankful! Thank you God!

Another Productive Day /w the Choco Sis

So on one of the few days off, I set up my new office space & tidied up my bedroom, think I need another small table for my printer- on the to do list for tomorrow (before I go to work)!

Then met up with the other sisters for our monthly outing:

This pick was Ms. Denise's, it was Brasilia's in "down the neck Newark", these people kept on bringing meat to our table every 15-20 minutes! While enjoying all our food we had great, honoree conversation with Pop, Minh, & Kev- these guys kept us laughing the whole time we were there! We did miss Ms. Jodie & her better half, Phil, & I better not forget to mention Ms.Ashley, we definitely missed you guys. Our next month's pick is on Jodie & Phil, hope they make a good one! After lunch, Lils, Denise & myself went to Pompton Lakes to our favorite consignment store: Pre-Loved! Got a cute skirt for $3 & another steal, a small pocket book for $16. We also went to several furniture places & I purchased a couple of my big pieces today: my dining room set & a sofa for my living room! I am so excited to make my new place all my own! After making these purchases, I realize that I really need to pick out some colors to really make this house all mine! My pseudo brother, Eric Pryor, (an artist) is giving me a couple of his pieces & he uses very vibrant colors, which fit how I feel right now! Can't wait for next day off so I can look for some accent pieces for my living room. I also need a credenza for my dining room. All in all, we did a good job & I saved some money on my purchases. I will wait for president's day to purchase my washing machine & dryer & maybe a TV for my living room! I'm sure I can get a good bargain. As soon as I have a decent first floor I will try to have a house warming party! 

After a long day of eating & shopping I come home to my beloved Marley- she is now groomed & smells good enough to hug & smooch:

Quote:

Thank You God!

Finally arrived!

I apologize for not blogging for a while. Last week was more hectic than normal, between working both jobs, moving, taking my Mom to her doctors appt & being sick! Need I say more? My moving could of been smoother, but there was a snag with the girls' schedule & mine & the fact that I was sick in the midst of trying to keep up with my work schedule, made it a difficult task! But, thank God it all worked out & we are now @ my new place! By the way did I mention I will be saving $1,005/monthly! Yes, this will be my savings for my traveling & Grad school, still thinking about doing the Navy Nurse Reserves, which will be another $1,000 monthly income for me!?!? God is really smiling @ me right now, not only was I able to find a more reasonable place, but it has enough space for the brats! & it's amenities include a play ground, pool, & basketball court! & it's still in West Orange!!!! So my youngest brat can graduate with his closest friends- thank you God!

Although this move bought up allot of unresolved emotions of sadness & some anger, the feelings of accomplishment, hope, & possibilities wash out those negative feelings. I am so proud of myself- although I struggled emotionally, I was able to swing an almost $3,000/monthly rent for an entire year, by myself! I was also able to find this cute townhouse we currently live in that better suits our needs & is conveniently located close to one of my jobs! Let me share some of the new images I encounter frequently in my new neighborhood:

This is a creek that Marley & I walk along on our morning walks.

This guy greets me every week when I go shopping @ my new Shop-rite.

My first breakfast in my new townhouse!

Of course another 4LW sister had a birthday on our shift: HBD Sherene, Super Freak- Love yo ass!

As I leave you this morning I want you to really process the 2 quotes I leave you with:

1.

2.

I couldn't help myself- had to include an image of my constant companion through out everything:

My princess, watch dog, nurse, & constant companion Marley- love this dog!