Today is a day off in a midst of a long week, I go back to my grind tomorrow night; but I will definitely make sure I enjoy this beautiful day & night off. Those of you who know me, know that I am challenging myself to an androgynous lifestyle; & for me it has been very difficult, because I am a very sexual person & because of the divorce that aspect of my life has been very very difficult to say the least. But what has amazed me the most is the moral support I have received from my prude crew @ HUMC & some of the moral support I have received from my brothers @ SBMC; it has given me a different perspective on life & all the advice I was given by both parties has been enlightening. Even people who I have not seen in a long time are supporting my plight. (Thanks Mulan).
I am now focusing on other things that have become relevant to me this year, one being my health. I have found a new work out partner, Ace, who is motivating me to obtain my pre-marriage body. Mind you I was 90 lbs (after having my 5th child) when I met my ex-husband, but that is not my goal, my goal is to be toned & strong & be able to perform the Ciara dance routine for Ride. I had one of my colleagues ask me who am I performing for & I responded by saying- it's for somebody I respect & love very dearly, & they asked, who is this special person & I said, MYSELF! I am finally starting to do things for myself, I have always been capable of doing things, but I always did them for other people & their approval. I am learning how to do things just for me; it has been difficult, because I am a people pleaser & I always put others before me- it's the mother in me & the loving person I am. But, it is now time to show myself love, unconditional love; & I am. I now take long baths & think of nothing, I also go to the spa & treat myself to beautifying treatments. And, I go out & enjoy the company of good friends & good conversation. My daughters have had a hard time adjusting to my new outlook, but my Shami has supported the new me- I love that kid! My other son, Bebe, calls me randomly & just reminds me, that he loves me & misses me- I love you & miss you to- Bebe.
As for learning how to self-soothe, I am now learning how to appreciate my long walks with Marley & when the house is empty, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I enjoy the quietness & take that time to reflect & write. This blog has been a large part of my healing process, the biggest unexpected bonus has been my followers! They are the reason I force myself to blog whenever I can. It has been amazing to have people walk up to me & ask how I am doing & how they enjoy reading my entries. It's different when my friends ask me because they see me & I know they follow me, but when a stranger asks- it's a great feeling! Especially when they tell me they can relate to my situation or what I wrote helped them in some way!
Quotes/Images:
-learning when to let go is the same as learning when to love, which is the same as learning when to open up again...- Mulan
Thanks Mulan- needed to hear this after certain events that occurred this week- & so I let go & I am learning how to love myself.
This one is for you (you know who you are)- thinking before you talk, allows you to be sensitive to others feelings- something that makes you a "loyal servant"
This one goes to all my sistas who always make time for me no matter what! I love y'all, & y'all know who you are! Muah
This one is for me! Not that I underestimated myself, but I forgot how much strength I possessed- I can get through anything- I know I have a couple of angels in heaven looking down on me, & making sure I have what I need to accomplish what I want! Thank you God!
this is a nice day where it's snowing @ 50 degrees & sunny, reminding me to accept the unexpected!
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