Your influence

Good afternoon bloggers,

This letter was written from my heart with blessings from my conscience- I hope you enjoy:

This has been heavy on mind since 2011, but I have allowed it to manifest too long & I need to let it go.
I have completely forgiven you, not for you, but for me. Over the years I have made it my priority to learn how to love myself completely, & part of that self love includes healing the broken parts of me. And although you broke me profoundly, I don’t think you know how much that pain you, not only caused me but, it also affected my family. 
For 13 years of my life we built, managed, supported, loved, affected, inspired, & learned from each other. Although I know that you can’t make anybody love you back, I now know that it was not me that caused the demise of our marriage.
I’ve learned so much on my life journey & one of the lessons I have learned is that when a person doesn’t love themselves they are incapable of loving anyone else. A part of me wants to believe that you once loved me in your own way, & with that love, you opened up your heart to my family. This was one of the reasons I fell completely in love with you & chose to compromise what I needed from our relationship. 
I appreciate all the lessons you taught me & mine. The most valuable lesson you have taught me is to never loose myself to anyone else & to be completely honest with myself & share that honesty with my partner. 
As for your influence on me & my family, it was profound & continues to be a part of their lives. They always seem to seek your approval, but they forget that you’re human & have flaws.
And although you can never bring yourself to talk to me or see me, I understand. I understand that I am your truth & the pain you caused me, will forever haunt you- the loss of those twins & the manipulation you put me through, it only made me realize that you were not for me anymore. 
The emotional abuse that I endured after that miscarriage was enough to break anybody down. But, you see, I’m made from a very different cloth! Those threads consist of resilience, strength, & a very strong will to survive & succeed. 
I only hope that I lead all my kids & grandkids by example & they can one day say, my mom was successful no matter what life threw @ her & I am exactly like her!
True love is loving yourself first & being there for those you hold dear to you. I never claimed to be perfect, my insanity is never malicious, it always comes with positiveness & a touch of loudness & genuinely from my big heart!
If you never speak to me again, I’m good with that- but I want you know that you fed into my strength, wisdom & , resilience in a big way & for that my brother, I thank you!

Sincerely,
Dee

Numb to death

Good morning bloggers,

So yesterday was my nephew’s death anniversary & I was having a conversation with my oldest nephew (the one I raised), & he bought up the fact that we lost so many family members under a short amount of time. And some how we as a family unit have become numb to death. As a nurse & a human being, I know that our life has a cycle, we’re born, we live, & then we die! But death comes to us in different ways & @ different times! It can be self inflicted or we can be murdered, or most likely by sickness.

Having survived allot of deaths in my family & through my profession, I am guilty of becoming numb to death. As a matter of fact, I welcome death. My colleagues make fun of me, they say that I’m going to be the typical Hispanic & plead for my life! But what they don’t know is that I have made peace with the thought of my death & welcome it. You see, I coached my mom through her last breath, I watched my brother deteriorate from healthy to skin & bones, then eventually die  & have watched many of my patients take their last breaths & coached them & their families around death.
Having been privileged to be an integral part of these unique situations has given me some wisdom. And that wisdom to me is the quality of life & how to live my life in a way I can impact people positively. Easier said than done, you see when you choose to live positively it takes effort, one has to think consciously. This becomes more difficult when you have  been in bad situations, but it takes  a very strong person to overcome all the negativity & be positive. But, it is doable, it just requires a little bit more effort & some humanity, which I believe has been lacking in our current society.
People have become zombies & suckers to social media & allow others to dictate how they live.

I’ve always been different & drummed my own tune & I have raised my kids & grand kids to do the same. To never follow, to lead in the right direction, to stand up for what’s right & combat the wrongs in our current world. Anything that we contribute has to be positive & how we treat people is what defines our character- I hope one day my kids & grand kids impact this world positively & they will be able to say it’s how my mami & Lola raised me & that be my legacy.

Raising Awareness

Good evening bloggers,

So I went back & forth about putting this out on the internet. But being a mother & Lola, the thought of safety trumped all of my other feelings!

So as most of you know I had a brief relationship with someone I had allot in common with. He presented himself with good & genuine intent, but possessed allot of hidden anger. After several deep conversations he exposed to me that there existed cases of sexual abuse & molestation. I know from my sexual assault training that there are certain personalities that are incapable of recovering from this trauma. And although he wasn’t the victim, he was traumatized & it had affected him profoundly to the point that it affected his social life.  His trauma gave birth to allot of insecurities that manifested in anger & lack of confidence when it came to social situations. But it also allowed him to flourish @ work because he was more focused on succeeding professionally.

Don’t get me wrong, he had allot of great qualities. He was very affectionate, a great listener, consistent, loyal, & most importantly he loves NYC as much as I do. As a matter of fact, all of these qualities were the reasons I became fond of him. But as time passed by I noticed certain things that were inconsistent. His behavior changed abruptly, his anger was set off by my words & he became verbally aggressive. When I would call him out on it, he would apologize profusely & then the roses would come accompanied by sweet gestures. But that anger was always there, it came to a point where I could not deal with it anymore. I’m not the type of person that can walk on eggshells or change who I am to accommodate a person that is hyper sensitive!

Needless to say I had to break up with him, but this was a process, because he persuaded me to stay & went back to therapy & showed improvement, but that anger had a hold on him & so I had to let him go. But it wasn’t until he stalked & harassed me @ work that I saw how crazy & inappropriate this person was!

And this is what prompted me to write this entry. To raise awareness, living in an era of Me Too & in a society that no longer tolerates any type of abuse against women. Abuse comes in all shapes & forms, it does not have to be sexual in nature. It can be verbal, emotional, & physical. If it takes from you, demeans you, & makes you feel low, it’s abuse!

When you truly love yourself you become aware of your self worth & nobody is deserving of compromising that! I know what I bring to the table & I also know that it’s going to take someone very special to engage me @ all levels of my complexity.

So, love yourself! Discover your worth, nurture your talents. Expose yourself to everything, educate yourself, explore your flaws, accept them, work on them. Better yourself, it’s okay to be vulnerable but know you can gain strength & wisdom when you do this.

Listen to your gut, never second guess yourself. Have confidence in your woman’s intuition or your gut feeling! It’s our God given defense mechanism. Don’t be afraid to speak up, if it makes you feel uncomfortable confront the person that is making you feel uncomfortable! Communication is key!
Surround yourself with positive loving people, people who accept all your craziness & are able to be honest with you & it can be reciprocated. Stay positive, be positive, talk positive! Be kind, be nice, be loving, be yourself!

Absolutely Free!

Good morning bloggers,

Felt inspired by current events in my life:

The duality of your personality & all your insecurities that you reflected
on me-

Has lead me to believe that I need to be free

From your verbal abuse to the misuse of your anger on me!

And when you stalked & harassed me, then took that to MY babies!

That SHIT made me flee!

PERMANENTLY!

But all of this activity has fed into my creativity

SHIT! It has even inspired me: to be a better version of me & all that I can be!

Once again I’m taking a negative & flipping that  shit into a positive  

Now I damn sure know that my ASS is meant to be:

ABSOLUTELY FREE!

My sister’s shoes

Good evening bloggers,

Happy New Year, & all the other holidays celebrated within the last 3 months. I start tonight by thanking the universe for all my blessings. Those include my family, my friends & my ability to do the things I love to do & that is to help people especially those I hold close to me.

On 12/7/18 I was privileged to spend time with my older sister, my only biological sister, she comes to north jersey to check & spend time with her ill father. I had an opportunity to get a glimpse of her life & I never realized the amount of strength she possesses! My sister suffers from chronic diabetes that has caused her a multitude of other health complications that require weekly dialysis- 3 times a week. What is so amazing about my sister, is that she continues to work full time as a nursing assistant. She has been working @ the same facility for over 20 years. But this is just one thing I admire about her physical & emotional strength, she also lost one of her sons tragically, he was only 23 years old @ the time of his death & like my mom, when she lost my brother when he was only 27, she displayed great poise & strength!
After spending most of the day with her & given her frail physical appearance, I decided to drive her back home to south jersey. After the 1.5 hour drive she revealed to me that it was her grandson’s birthday that day, so I wanted to see my little nephew & decided to take her to go see him. Zayden is my deceased nephew’s son. As we commence to make our way to our destination, my sister explains the complicated relationship & she rarely sees her grandson because of those circumstances. We show up to the apartment, ring the doorbell & it is opened only to be told to wait, so we waited, 30 minutes! Knocked again after the 30 minutes without any response! It broke my heart to watch my sister gather all the gifts she bought her grandson, my little nephew, & hear her say to me, let’s go- we’re not going to see him!
As I drove her back to her home, it took all the energy in my body not to cry for her. I was so hurt by the events I had witnessed, & it just solidified her strength.
As I drove back home I was in a deep state of thought & was very thankful for all of my blessings. To  be able to see my kids & grandkids whenever I want, to see them flourish & conquer their life goals to be a part of their lives & be able to help them fulfill their dreams!
As for my sister, I join her in her journey to regain her health as I help her with her with her treatment.