Uncertain Times

Good morning bloggers,

Just want to vent & make everybody aware of how healthcare workers are dealing with this pandemic period. I have been a nurse for almost 16 years & have experienced a couple of virus eras, including: SARS, Ebola, & Zika. Let me just say that I have never seen anxiety & uncertainty @ these levels. I am a critical care nurse & as such I have taken an oath to take care of the sickest people within the medical system. I have been taking care of these COVID patients for 3 weeks, & this virus has aggressively affected all walks of life no matter the gender, race, or age. When I tell you that this virus is aggressive I am specifically referring to how fast these patients deteriorate! One minute they’re talking & moving all extremities (arms & legs) & within a matter of hours they are having difficulty breathing, & you see rapid changes to their mental & respiratory status. I have seen & experienced every phase of their deteriorating medical/physical course! From the ED where they just require a little supplemental oxygen then, a non-rebreather mask, to then requiring high flow/ bi-pap to assist with breathing & then swiftly being intubated & non-responsive due to sedation & paralytic agents & requiring pressors to maintain their heart rates & blood pressures! 

I have always considered myself to be a very strong person, but even the strongest individual has a breaking point. I am also not ashamed to say that I am currently under therapy because I recognize the fact that I need help managing how overwhelmed I am currently feeling. I First recognized I was being overwhelmed when I lost my first COVID patient. This patient was younger than me & worked @ my facility, so I had some familiarity with him. I was managing his blood pressure, heart rate, & need for oxygen via intravenous medications (continuous drips) & the ventilator. I walked out of his room, removed my personal protective equipment (PPE), washed my hands & had sat down for what felt like 90 seconds & heard my colleague say “Hey D- your guy is in PEA (pulseless electrical activity)!” I ran to the door of his room gowned up, put my hair cover & gloves on & by the time I got into his room he flat-lined!
Don’t get me wrong, I am all too familiar with death in my line of work, but not to this magnitude! I was so upset, to the point where I lost my professionalism. I de-gowned, asked my colleagues for 10 minutes & to watch my other COVID patient. Went back to our locker room, punched my locker, & then cried for 8-10 minutes! You see, as a critical care nurse, I feel responsible for keeping my patients alive! And I know that sometimes it is beyond my nursing skills to manage life or death. All I wanted to do, was to not allow this patient to die by himself, & I was not able to provide that for him. Working @ a facility where our numbers of COVID patients are higher than regular patient, does not allow for visitors. The only human contact my patient received for the last 2weeks was that of the medical team only. After earning a large nasty bruise, from punching my locker, I realized I needed to go back to therapy.
I have always been very passionate with everything I do, & that includes my work ethic. But, I am starting to realize that I need help managing how I react to things I have no control over. My maternal instincts have always allowed me to care with tenderness & genuinely, but giving @ this level is also draining me. People who know me, know this about me, & I thank God that he has surrounded me with souls that genuinely care for me. I am so proud of my family & friends that support & worry about me. I get calls, text messages & even FaceTime interactions from those close to me & it humbles me profoundly & it also reminds me that I am not in this alone.
So, I write this entry to honor those who give themselves selfishly, my colleagues. Those that I currently work with & whom I have worked with in the past. I am here to remind y’all that we will get through this together- positively, & this too shall pass.
I have been reading self-help books & have learned some techniques that may ease our anxiety. So it is @ this time that I would like to share these tools:
1. Try to practice the acronym T.I.M.E.> T-thankfulness- be grateful for the simple things in life (for example your health, family & friends). I- intention/ & insight (always do things with good intentions & insight). M- meditation (unplug mentally, focus on your internal/physiological needs- i.e relaxation breaths & zen energy). E-exercise (it replenishes your energy, keeps you fit & maintains your health, mentation & feeds your confidence)
2. When you feel overwhelmed focus on the immediate, to bring you back to the present: find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, & 1 thing you can taste.
3. Replace the feeling of loneliness with the feeling of solitude (loneliness allows the feelings of vulnerability, where solitude allows the feelings of empowerment)
4. Always remember that your inner peace & calmness is your responsibility & your power- don’t allow anything or anyone disturb it!
5. No one is YOU & that is your POWER! I share that with my kids!
(Tools 1-4 I received from Jay Shetty, 5 is from Maya Angelou)
So, as always, I leave you with images & memories that fuel my soul on the daily:

   

Seasonal sorrow

Good morning bloggers ,

So, as everyone is still on their holiday highs, I want to share my struggle with the holiday season. As y’all already know my battle with seasonal affective disorder has been an issue for me, & as I combat this demon every holiday season, each year it’s different. It all started in 1995 when my brother lost his battle to AIDS. It then progressed when I lost my close cousin, when he lost his battle with AIDS in 2000, then in 2013, I lost my Mami to complications of breast cancer. I have been told that it gets better with time, but honestly for me, it hasn’t. I still cry, but it’s not as much as I use to. I do find myself smiling, when I do cry, because I can imagine my family members encouraging me & telling me to keep going. I have been so blessed to have people in my life that believe in me & support my vision, & most importantly, accept all my craziness!
After having a discussion with someone close, who also battles with depression, I figured out that it takes a lot of effort & energy to combat any type of sadness or depression especially around the holidays. It really is up to the individual to decide whether that person is going to allow the feeling of sadness overcome the feeling of happiness. I have chosen to wear my inner happiness on my outer side, & to spread the joy and be positive. I’m not gonna tell you it’s easy, because it’s not, it requires a lot of energy and effort on your part. I have to remind myself that I am an example to not only my children, but also to my grandchildren, and this is why I choose to move forward in a positive way. I have noticed when I do this I do affect people positively, and this is why I am sharing this.
People always approach me and tell me that they admire my strength, but if they only knew that it’s not strength, but it’s the will to move forward & spreading positivity into the universe.
So let me leave you on a positive note and share the people that keep me motivated.

Humbled

Good evening,

I know this entry comes to you late..... It was intended to be published on or after Thanksgiving, but anyways, here you go:
I am thankful & grateful for my family & friends. I am thankful for having a sick work ethic, that proceeds me. I am thankful to be able to help those I love. Most of all I am grateful for being able to create loving memories with those whom I love dearly and have that love reciprocated! And although I don’t have my mom, brother, & my beloved cousin, physically with me~ I know they share my experiences, because I carry them with me in my heart!
This year taught some very valuable lessons, & I am very humbled by all that I have been through & continue to strive for a better version of myself!
Being able to share milestones with my grown kids has given me a level of pride that I’ve never experienced before! So here is to all my loved ones, may we continue to thrive & make more memorable experiences!