Good morning bloggers,
Happy New Year! So last night I spent some much needed time with my Filipino family and I was talking to my Filipino sista, Kimmy, about progressive men and the lack of men who possess emotional intelligence, I stumbled upon a thought; as we were talking and I am saying that there are too many men who have a basic mentality, it dawned on me! Maybe I should start educating men now, regarding attributes modern women seek in their partners! After all I am already in school to become a sex therapist and writing a book that, well....... let's just say it's very sexual. So here goes, consider this my first lecture/lesson.
So let's start by defining some terms and explaining why they're important and try to give examples:
Emotional intelligence: is the ability to use, understand, and manage your emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, and overcome challenges and defuse conflicts. It involves 5 characteristics: self awareness, empathy, motivation, self regulation, and social skills. The 4 domains include, but are not limited to, self awareness, self management, social awareness, and relationship management. The most important element of an emotionally intelligent individual is their self-awareness! Why? because, it leads up to self-regulation- the ability to control personal emotions and impulses and don't allow for anger or jealousy, and making impulsive and careless decisions. Example: I think that it's self explanatory, no examples needed! (But, if you need, here are just a few: being able to accept criticism and responsibility/accountability, being able to move on after making mistakes, being able to say no when you need to, being able to share your feelings, being able to solve problems together in ways that works for the both of you!
Transparency: the condition of being clear, sincere, and transparent! Why? Because you establish yourself as being honest and a credible person; being transparent allows you to invite trust by revealing that you have nothing to hide! Living in a digital world with everyone putting up deceitful versions of themselves (trust me, I speak from experience), makes transparency a matter of survival! Example: Be you, organically, genuinely, and uniquely!
Connectivity: an emotional connection is a bundle of subjective feelings that come together to create a bond between two people. Basically, it's it's an arousal of strong feelings between two individuals. Those feelings may be sorrow, anger, love, joy or any emotions that humans can experience. I think a big part of connectivity has to be inclusion- making your partner feel included, to allow a bond to form between the both of you. Example: I tend to gravitate to individuals who share my mentality, which can be a number of different things, (and are not limited to) these that come to mind (in no particular order) grief-the sense of the loss of loved ones, my hustle mentality- men who are financially motivated (like myself), men who are open-minded, spontaneous and adventurous, and most importantly, intelligent (I'm definitely a sapiosexual)!
Consistency: being commited with sincerity, trust, competence, integrity, and reliability! Basically, say what you mean and mean what you say! Without contradiction! Being consistent means putting forth effort, belief, and most importantly, consistent actions (persistantly and regularly) over time. Because this allows for stability, reliability, truthfulness and encourages trust! Example: Consistency is a combination of behaviors that include dependability, trust, and a true desire to have a companion and form a serious relationship! Individuals who are more consistent with their interactions with one another, for instance having predictable behaviors and good communication, have longer and more successful relationships.
Humor: the quality of being comic. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a true clown and living in these times requires some laughter! I always say that humor and laughter is the best medicine, but at noone's expense! Within a relationship you have to be able to laugh at yourself and each other. Life is already too hard, don't take things so serious. Example: Being able to laugh at each other and allow for some silliness to open the door for some fun!
Honesty: (Do I really need to define this one?) the quality of being honorable (honest), having integrity, and accountability. Believe it or not this one is a hard quality to have in our current society, one of which is filled with allot of misrepresentation on both parties, male and female! Let's start with males who lie about their height, weight, and income; then move onto females who distort their bodies to display unrealistic beauty. A few examples include, but are not limited to, fake lashes, eyebrows, lips, breasts, butts, hips, etc.... I believe, that you first have to be honest with yourself, then share that honesty with your chosen partner. Example: Admitting when you're wrong, choosing not to cheat, speaking up when something upsets you, showing your true emotions, sharing consructive feedback; this list can go on and on but I will end it here!
Romantic: expressions of love (all subjective). For me the key is going to be listening to what I like and desire and paying attention to my favorite activities, and people I love! As for my love language, fortuantely I'm multilingual: I respond to acts of kindness/service, quality time (intimate), words of affirmation, receiving and giving gifts (with personal/special meaning), and physical touch (affection sexual and tender)! Example: AOK/S- Run a personal errand for me* folding my laundry, QT- focused one-to-one time/conversations* a weekend getaway/ hiking, WOA- encouraging, appreciative, and empathetic words spoken to me* that last entry was dope! R/GG- thoughtful, purposeful and personal gifts* (I love feeling sexy and love sweets, specifically chocolates) lingerie and/or peanut chews, PT- body language/touch that shows affection and love* long meaningful hugs, kisses on my back and neck, spooning, cuddling (&, for me kinky fuckery). THESE ARE A FEW OF MY PERSONAL EXAMPLES!
Sexuality: capacity for sexual feelings, sensuality, desirability; a state of being sexy, a way of experiencing and giving sexual pleasure to ourselves and each other. Sexuality has the potential of being a powerful and positive (it can be negative) force that deepens intimate connections (although I listed this one last, it's high on my personal list!).
I have come to my own conclusion, in which I believe that emotional compatibility will allow two individuals to be mutually vulnerable to each other where they can share their needs, wants, ambitions, desires, insecurities, and fears. Choosing to trust one another, being present for each other- no matter what! Listening to each other without interruption and presumption, being intentional, feeling safe with each other, not allowing disconnection, and most importantly enhancing emotional intimacy.
And I share this because I consider myself to be a modern woman! What is a modern woman? Women who have their own mindset/thoughts/opinions, careers, dwellings, vehicles, and money. Who also are self-motivated, hustlers, and have accomplished things on their own and on their own terms! You ask why I posted such an entry? Because, as a modern woman I need to be engaged on multiple levels, not just the physical and sexual (those bore us, me specifically); we need to be stimulated, encouraged, supported, appreciated, and most importantly loved!
DISCLAIMER: These are my personal traits that I seek in my potential mate, these traits can be subjective and have different meanings to different individuals. Other traits that I seek include, but are not limited to, attractiveness (handsome), tall (@ least 5' 9"), fit (I workout, so should my partner), mindfulness, financial endowment (at least make the same as me), hustle mentality (wanting upward mobility and success), adventurous, and spontaneous. Nothing in life is easy, especially in our current society! But, it all begins with oneself and those who seek the true meaning of evolution and progression. I consider myself a hypersexual sapiosexual who is currently considering polyamory because I can't seem to find a male who possesses all of these traits, but if I have them, whose to say there isn't a male version of me!?!? I have used different colors and bold print to emphasize and highlight important ideas (to me).
