Discovering my inner mogul

Hey ya'll,

It hasn't been too long, but on my nights off I find myself allowing my creative juices flow, so here we go:

Coming from immigrant parents who came to this country to pursue "the American Dream" it was installed in me to work hard, further my education, & own my own house. That sounds like a good dream, but I've been there & done that. As I age I'm discovering that I possess a higher calling & I have the gift of moving & inspiring people! It's one of the major reasons I use my blog as a platform to inspire & motivate people to think for themselves! And the fact that life has this funny way of throwing curves at you as you try to fulfill your highest potential, hence this entry. Those curves are the main reason that pushes me to share my experiences, it also allows a documented timeline for me to look back on & realize how far I have come.

Coming from very stoic parents who were not vocal & for the most part tried to lead by example, I have taken those basic goals & set them higher. As a very young mom I knew I wanted a better life for my kids, now that they're grown I still have the need to fulfill my own full potential.

I am discovering that I do better on my own & by myself. The reason being that when I'm into something or somebody I give them or that my all! So now that I am single, I am giving myself my all. And I mean in all aspects of my life, which includes, physically, mentally, emotionally, & soulfully. I am currently in the midst of a 10 week fit challenge, and I am also researching how to pursue my enterprenial goals. Unfortunately, because I am "too passionate" about my goals, I am going to have to ebb my intimate relationship life. And I have always said, if God wants me to be with somebody, he will send him to me @ the right time.

As for my inner mogul, I have so many ideas that I have to work on to make into my reality. I just hope that the people that really matter stick around & watch & help in my growth & will be there to celebrate my successes!

Reminders from the almighty

Good morning bloggers,

Just wanted to share this thought with you guys. I'm not sure what to make of it?!?!? I'm trying to decipher whether it is exhaustion or the lord speaking to me in my dreams!?!?! I rarely dream, but when I do, my God! They feel so real & vivid to me! I can feel, hear, smell, & almost touch in them which make them feel real to me! So, in a midst of multiple nights in a row, I was asked to reschedule, leaving me off tonight. I didn't realize how exhausted my body was until I laid back down & fell asleep again; my eyes felt so heavy & my body so numb.

I wake back in the time where my youngest son was a toddler, & my other son was a teenager & my mom was still alive. I am also still trying to salvage my marriage in an apartment that harbors many unpleasant memories for me. In this dream/nightmare I come to that apartment with my mom & 2 sons to pick up some stuff, & to my surprise- it is occupied with my ex & his mistress. I try to avoid confrontation but, the persistent side of me confronts him to ask why? I can feel him grab my arms & whisper in my ear, "I can't be with someone who is not my equal", these words resonated inside me, to the point of waking up!

So, here I lay trying to psycho analyze what this meant for me!?!? The thoughts are depriving me of further sleep! The realities are that, my mom for some reason did not like my ex, but I have taken that apart in components: she didn't like him because he took her baby from her, he also took her grandchildren from her, & he moved us out of state. & I believe that's why her presence was in the dream, to remind me of that & make me cognizant of that fact.

Moving on to the next part of this dream/nightmare, my sons are 2 years apart, my youngest loved my ex dearly, my older son resented him,  because he took his mom from him.  Not literally,  but in his mind, his mom prior to this relationship,  was completely devoted to them- & that changed once she was in that relationship. He now had to share his mom with this other person & I believe that my son was not willing to do that yet. & although both of my sons came to respect, love & admire my ex, they were also deeply affected by the separation then eventually the divorce profoundly! Because it was the first man they saw their mother trust completely & give herself  wholeheartedly. And they saw how that affected me, the strong woman who allowed a man to not only weaken her, but debilitate her very being!

As for what he whispered into my ear, the reality of that is: @ the time all this happened I had started grad school for my doctorate & the person he left us for - let me just leave that out, because I am trying to analyze what this meant to me! I think this dream/nightmare was trying to remind me that I still have allot of work to do on myself & I am in no way, shape or form to completely give myself to anybody else! I'm still discovering who I am as a woman, for that matter a human being! The presence of my sons, mother, & ex, imply that I allow people who mean the most to me affect me. But, I am happy to report that: I'm making myself the most meaningful person in my life! And I will only allow myself to affect me profoundly!

I hope you guys enjoyed this one, because I revealed myself & shared my vulnerabilities!

The Dance of the CSICU night RN

Good evening bloggers,

I have been off from my unit since Thursday morning, & I have to say it has been refreshing to walk amongst the "normal people" with "normal schedules". But I've realized that I don't fit- I mean I love sleeping in my bed @ night & having a sense of fulfillment after my morning workouts, seeing my family & being able to cook & eat dinner with them. But, I miss my work family & taking care of my critically ill patients! I don't think people or doctors realize what happens during the night shift, it's a delicate dance between knowledge of anatomy, physiology, pathophysiology, mechanics, chemistry, luck & allot of faith! Which put this little medley in my mind that I created:

From receiving the pt from the OR we hook cables up, we level the arterial lines, flush them & triage them to make sure we have blood return, so we can draw labs & await the results so we can replace electrolytes & check the arterial blood gases to check Ph, bicarbonate & of the such. We check the a-line blood pressure to titrate the norepinephrine (levophed) &/or the milrinone (primacor), nitrogen , & the insulin. Blood sugars done every 2 hours to maintain a blood glucose above 70, but less than 150! We check the incision sites & the drainage systems to see if there are clots or over bleeding, & prepare to give either blood products or amicar, oh & don't forget the handy albumin 25%! Oh & please don't forget the oral gastric tube & the ventilator that requires silencing the alarm while you suction & watch your tidal volumes & the pt over/under breathing the vent & getting the appropriate volumes that are compatible with life! Then we have to decide if we are going to turn or tilt the patient in order to protect the skin from ulcers (skin break-down), which sometimes moving the patient is not an option!
And this is just the tip of the iceberg!

Now let's talk about devices!!!
From the intraortic ballon pump, Impella, Ekos, centrimag, LVAD (left ventricular assistive device), to the mother of all devices ECMO (extracorpeal membrane oxygenation)! Not only do we manage the patient, we manage the devices, triage the ventilator, titrate or wean the drips all while maintaining our cool & depending on each other for moral & knowledge support! So you see, this is why I love my colleagues, we've become sisters & brothers & rely on each other to keep the patients alive & I contribute by keeping it light & feeding my babies! Humor is what sets us free & my sarcasm is sick & I want to believe that it does help lighten the load on the nights that I'm @ work!

So you see, you all know me as a crazy & fun loving, adventurous person, but there is this side of me that respects life & death & takes my job seriously! Because it is very serious!!!

True Love

Good morning bloggers,

So last night I was invited to my sister's boyfriend's 50th birthday party.And as we are enjoying ourselves with music, dancing, & eating soul food, he commences to announce that he is grateful for the gathering & he tells us that, for over 20 years he waited for his true love & proposes to my sister, Denise.

So, let me just give a little synopsis of this relationship, these 2 grew up together & dated briefly in the past, but were going in different directions. They still remained friends over the years & after going in very different directions they found eac other again (intimately), & decided to date again, which snowballed into last night!

Hence the title to this entry. As you all already know, Denise & I have been best friends for almost 31 years! We met through my babies' daddy, he use to be best friends with Denise's twin, Dennis, my pseudo brother. For years Denise & I have held each other down through thick & thin. And it's funny because when we attended my cousin's wedding a couple of year's ago, we had promised to grow old together & take care of each other because we were both done with men! But I am so happy for the both of them. To see how these two react around each other has restored my faith in men.

It's nice to see that a few men do finally mature & can appreciate a good woman. And although I can be very intimidating & aggressive, oh & I can't forget "too passionate" (lol), I have a little faith that there is someone out there for me.

But until then, I'm going to continue falling in love with myself & work on bettering myself & make my dreams into reality. And that means continuing to travel, facing my fears, & building my empire!

And right now, I want to celebrate Denise & Rah's happiness! Can't wait for the wedding!!!!

My Life Journey

Good evening bloggers,

I write to from Humacao, PR, this is entry was inspired by my frequent travels & how blessed I am to be able to travel. I was on a mountain taking pictures of the spectacular views & it made me emotional. My best friend Denise, or should I say my sister from another mother, was with me & suggested I write about my experience. So, I find myself pouring my feelings into this entry. As I look out into the vast ocean from this tropical island I feel a sense of accomplishment. I have overcome allot of adversary in my life, but God always allows me to move forward & do things that I never imagined possible. Since my divorce my travels have taken flight & I have traveled @ least every 4 to 5 months to places I have never thought of! I knew of them & dreamt about visiting them & experiencing the culture, the people, their rituals & taste their cuisine. I am happy to report that I have fulfilled those exact dreams.

As a child my Mami always sent us to El Salvador for the summers, so we wouldn't loose our culture, we also traveled to California because my paternal grandmother lived there & she had a big role raising my brother in I in NYC. But, we never thought of this traveling as a privilege. As an adult with a large family I had the opportunity to expose my children to the traveling culture & was blessed to be able to take them to Jamaica, Bahamas, Paradise Island, Hawaii, Dominica Republic, San Francisco, Florida, & even exposed them to a Caribbean cruise. As I grow older my curiosity for more venues has expanded & I have had the pleasure to travel domestically & internationally. As you all know my trip to Dubai has broadened my horizons & has me looking forward to visit the following countries: Egypt, Prague, Brazil, China, Philippines etc. Through the grace of God & my sick work ethic, I believe I can accomplish this!

My only regret is that I don't have my Mami & big brother physically here to share these experiences with. But as I take time to appreciate these experiences I feel their presence with me & as I see these amazing venues I can assure myself that they are sharing these joys with me.

PS, unfortunately @ this time I am unable to upload our pictures, but they are soon to follow & thanks for your patience!

My Solidarity

Good morning bloggers,

Been MIA for a minute, but I have a good excuse! I'm currently working on my entrepreneurship and have been busy researching ways on how to pursue my dreams & make them my reality! I also have initiated monthly outings with my colleagues  @ both facilities in order to keep the moral up. Yes, I feel obligated to do this because I like to spread happiness, & what better way to do that than to spend time doing unstressful things!

As for the title for this entry, I have been spending a lot of time with colleagues, friends, & family & have had limited time to myself. During that limited time I reflect on how my life is currently going, I  truly love the person that I'm becoming, I stress less & give little energy to irrelevant people/situations; & try to focus on what is important to me. I realize now that what is important to me has become the relationships that I develop with positive people. I have learned that people who genuinely care for me have my best interest @ heart ❤️ & I try to reciprocate that. My solidarity has also taught me to appreciate my family & friends, it also humbles me. I now know my worth & refuse to settle for less! I know now that I deserve the best because I am the best. So as I work hard to make my dreams my reality I hope God sends me someone worthy of me & can handle my crazy ass personality & be able to give me the love I deserve!

Being alone has given me a different level of confidence that I needed to build myself up. It has taught me to love myself in different ways. I now know to take better care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, & sexually (can't leave that part out because it's a big part of me!). I feel unstoppable & I hope to write about my success soon!

Fighting my demons

Hello bloggers,
It's been a long time since I've submitted an entry, but this one is very personal to me. Hope you get something out of it.
Those who are really close to me know that every winter since 1995, the year my brother passed, I struggle with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) also known as the winter blues. It became more severe in 2013, the year my mother passed. I always try to put my happy face & demeanor on when I'm @ work & when I'm around my family. But this year has been more difficult for me to stay positive. So, I push myself harder to be around positive people & positive situations but that takes a great effort on my part & sometime I don't have the energy.
So what I'm doing now to fight this demon is to always keep busy & try to be positive no matter who I'm with or where I am. When I'm alone, the hardest times, I do whatever it takes to put me in a happy place. To be more specific, I read  allot of self help books or inspirational material, I go for hikes if the weather allows, I write, & I force myself to exercise. The best part about being a Lola, is that I can always pick up my grand babies! Which is instant happiness for me!
Another demon I struggle with is loneliness, loneliness you say, yes loneliness. Although I have five grown kids & a handful of close friends, they all have their own lives to live. Besides my mood & the way I feel is my responsibility & only I can manage it. And that's the first step to handling your emotions, acknowledging them. I have learned to acknowledge how I feel first & then figure out what will help me change my mood. For me, that's a list of different things. But my favorite is music in combination with moving, and reminding myself about all the people & situations I am blessed with daily. For example: having my own family & friends, all the happy memories we created & continue to create, my health, my accomplishments, & my ferocious work ethic! The fact that I have 2 jobs that I really enjoy doing & be around people that I genuinely love, my coworkers which I lovingly call my work family. Honestly, it's a privilege to work around the people who appreciate you & your aura & they definitely remind me who I am & for that I love them ❤️.
My third, & last demon, is my disappointments. They include where I am personally, financially & professionally. I am currently having discussions with people I consider to be very close to me & deciding how can I change these situations. And I'd rather share these as they happen. But to fight this demon I've learned how to take time & look back to see how far I have come. I do this by pulling up images/pictures & reminding how far my journey has bought me. There use to be a time when I couldn't afford my own car or home or allot of things I currently possess. But, most importantly I have friendships that have lasted a long time & have passed the test of time & continue to be a big part of my healing & my progress. Those people include my family (yes you can write them off) & my close friends whom I call my family (they know who they are).
My life has definitely been a very difficult journey, but it has also been a journey full of positive lessons, & for all of that I remain eternally grateful! Every bump in my life has bought me to where I am & I'm loving & embracing it all!