Support & Love

It has been an emotional past few days, full of highs & lows. And I continue to work like my life depends on it! I know I have bills to pay & allot of issues that surround me & sometimes overwhelm me, but I have to keep it together! As I disclosed to you all yesterday, my mother's diagnosis has affected me profoundly! My coworkers @ SBH have noticed a change in my demeanor, I'm not smiling as much & I have been looking down, but can you blame me? I just don't know how I'm going to pull through this one? I have been feeling more alone & wish I had someone I can confide in & talk to, you know a shoulder to cry on/ or someone to hold me & tell me everything is going to be alright- I miss that!
I might not have that, but I do have my family & those who I call my family @ both jobs. I want to acknowledge my sisters @ 4LW whom always are there for me, these are the main ones:

but I can't forget to mention Lynne , Jess, & Ash! I also want to thank my brothers @ SBH, one in particular, Guma, who encourages me to dress up & take pride in my appearance; he is always telling me you are too young & beautiful to give up on love & so I take his advice & it does seem to help my mood & make me more confident, thanks Guma- love you!

Need to get pictures of my other brothers @ SBH that always boost my mood, on the to do list for tomorrow!

48 hours & counting

Hello fellow bloggers.
I have been up since Saturday morning 9 am! Put in 24 hours @ the Hack- & had a productive Friday Christmas shopping with Ash & Jo:

Saturday was a work night, but because we were having our family dinner on Sunday, I woke up to clean the house & do some laundry & by the time I wanted to take a nap it was time to go to work. I came home Sunday morning to finish cleaning, but first stopped @ shop-rite to get fixings for Sunday night dinner. The menu: chicken & potatoes a la oven with beans & rice with a tossed salad. Which, by the way, was delicious! On the guest list: Abuela, Anthony, Sasha, Sade, Shamorr, & myself. Ryan, Wa, & Denise couldn't make it. I prepared dinner, & if I do say so myself, it was delicious. By the time dinner was done, my guest had arrived, so because I had to go back to work, we had dinner early & I went back to work. While @ work, we celebrated my beloved sisters' bdays: Joanna & Lillibeth:

Almost the original prude crew /w 2 freaks, missing Beth Droney! The morning was busy to say the least 1/3 confused patients had pulled out her DLC & F/C with telemetry & LUE sling! After leaving the Hack @ almost 8 am, went home to change into civilian clothes to take Abuela to her docs appointments, a total of 3: general surgeon, plastic surgeon, & oncologist. Joining us today were Anthony, my dear nephew, & Sasha, my mostly absent daughter. We went to the first appt in which we found out that besides the total left mastectomy, there were a total of 8 lymph nodes removed, which 3 came back with T3 markers making my Mom Stage 3 CA! One of the docs made sure he pointed out that I have to have my mammogram done. His specific words were: "I know how you nurses are, too busy taking care of everybody else & never enough time to take care of yourself!" After the first appt we headed to our favorite El Salvadorian spot for a late brunch. We talked about this new Dx & have decided to wait until we speak with the cardiologists to ask if my Mom's heart can withstand chemotherapy.
After visiting all the doctors, I took my Mom back to her house- she was exhausted, so we did not question her decision. After dropping her off, I thought of what Dr. Frost said to me & it dawned on me, I need to get my first mammogram done & take better care of myself & stop working so hard. So I decided to start taking care of myself by going to get a mani, pedi, & wax; check out my tootsies:

Not quite the mammogram I need but a good start. I promise to take better care of myself, so my health will allow me to continue taking care of my family. I also came home early to get a good nights' sleep, but I had to blog, because it continues to be my biggest healing mechanism, so enjoy the blog & thank you for being here for me. I will leave you with tonight's image of Marley & me blogging:

As you can see my Marley has become my constant dependable blog partner, she was sad about Abuela's Dx as well!

Holiday Season

Good Morning fellow bloggers! I know it has been a while, but I have been working allot of OT to make it a memorable Christmas. I finally got a day off & went Christmas shopping for the brats. My 4LW sisters accompanied me & we had a blast!
When we shop, we shop! We hit the Seacaucus outlets, then we hit Jersey Gardens Mall, then DSW in Willowbrook Mall. Of course we had to stop by Bahama Breeze for a bite to eat! Thanks Ashley Torres & Joanna Ngo for allowing me to vent & helping me pick stuff out for "Christmas shopping" LOL ;-)

And Ash I am digging your beemer Sis, might have to borrow it, when we hit the city scene in the summer! LOL

Can't forget my refreshing drink, the pina colada, @ Bahama Breeze: & yes it was a virgin drink- I was driving & you already know I don't get down like that!

Can't wait for the kids to open there gifts Christmas morning! Only 1 week away! Love my sisters from 4LW!

Recollecting Myself

Sorry that it has been a week since I have blogged. So much has happened & I'm not sure how to express my feelings on what's going on. As you all know last week I disclosed that my Lil Mami was undergoing surgery; my mother's health severity was withheld from me. As I was sitting there talking to the Oncologist & plastic surgeon, it was revealed to me that my Mami does have stage II CA, & has been consulting with them for the past 2 months. Due to my Mom's multiple comorbidities she is not a candidate for radiation therapy & can only receive conservative treatment due to her pace maker & hypertension. To hear all of this minutes before she goes under the knife was overwhelming, but as I sat in the waiting room, what hurt the most, was the fact that my mother kept all this information from me. I know my Mom thought she was protecting me, but what she failed to realize, was that I can handle this news & I could have been an advocate for her when making all these medical decisions. There is nothing that I can do with what has already happen, all I can do is be here for my Mami in whatever manner she needs me.

It has been a very sobering week, as my Mom recovers from her surgery, I realize that my family has to come first & my jobs have to come second. This current situation has bought us closer together, my nephew, Tony, has decided to move back to NJ, & I have decided to set aside Sundays for family dinners. Our first one being tonight & although there were allot of people missing, the gatherings will grow with time. As I leave you- I leave you with images of the brat's birthday celebrations:

 I am slowly reeling in the people I love & holding on to them tightly, we will be depending on each other as we stand by abuela & be here for her. Sasha as always we missed you @ this gathering. I understand it's finals, but family first! Ryan & Anthony, thank you for coming through, enjoyed your company & the intelligent conversation we all shared. Anticipating next week's family dinner! Love you guys!

Dropped 50 feet & shattered!

I have loved, & loved hard, & lost, & lost hard! Why does it seem like whenever I love somebody unconditionally, that person is taken away from me. My first love & lost was my beloved grandmother, Rosa Escamilla, she spoiled me. Even though we had nothing, growing up in the Lower East side of NYC, she made simple things, like going to canal street, an adventure. She made sure my brother & I had the best views of the Macy's fireworks every Independence day. When we moved to NJ, she still made sure we made it to this ritual. Then she moved to CA in 1990, her DM eventually got her physical body in 1997.

Then there was my "baby daddy", Shuan, I loved this person so much that I had a bunch of kids for him! It was his choice to leave & what he left will always be his lost. Although, we both were young @ the time, for a relationship that intense, he had a choice to have a relationship with our children; which he chose not to exercise in 1998.

It continues with my beloved brother, whom I loved so much, that I use to fight drag queens for him in the village @ 8 months pregnant with my first child! He was diagnosed with HIV & opted not to seek treatment or tell our family! The virus consumed him slowly & within 3 years it took his life in 1995!

We now proceed to my beloved cousin, Eric, after the passing of my brother Eric stepped up & became my brother. Already HIV positive, he tried his hardest to fill my brother's shoes & he did fill that void for a while, until he lost his battle with AIDS in 2001!

My latest lost was a hard one as well. I thought I had found my soul mate. Mark, my ex-husband, had accepted my children, my ways & my flaws. And after 13 years of, what I thought was a great team/ relationship, he left me for somebody younger & with younger kids! WTF!?!?!

And I know that in life you can't love something or somebody too much (b/c it's taken away), but I think it's the only way I know how to love! As I lay hear & write my truth, I realize that this saying is becoming true! I love my son, Shuan (Bebe), & he is no longer with me. I also love my Mami & we received some news that might threaten her life!  & my pastor is always saying, it's now how hard we fall, it's how we gracefully stand back up, that defines who we really are! & after all my life's blows, I have stood up gracefully & triumphed certain obstacles & struggles. I have gained strength & wisdom from all these experiences, but, I don't know how I will deal with this new obstacle, after all she's MY MAMI!


And as I slowly recover & regain my strength from my divorce, I can't help to feel like I was on a high peak & then dropped 50 feet & feel shattered! I know that it's too early to make any assumptions, she, Blanca, will undergo surgery to remove the abnormal growth & it will be some time before we know whether it is benign or metastatic. & @ this point all I can do is to be strong for my mother, what I have always done. I love you Blanca Romero! La quiero mucho Mami!

I leave you with an image of my lil Mami & me looking & waiting for what life is going to give us!

P.S. My previous post was on a high note, & although this blog's intention is to be inspirational, shit happens & it is a part of life! I did try to talk to somebody that I used to confide in & respected highly, but realized that person lost that position! So, I turn to my blog for my healing! If you can please leave some feedback, I would be greatly appreciated!

Packed wkd

So, I start out my supposedly free weekend, working @ the Hack! My Saturday morning was spent sleeping & trying to recover from a very hectic night. I slept for 3 hours & ran my household errands & met the choco sista @ my house to prepare for our first of many events this evening. First & foremost, had to make sure Shami had plans &/or accommodations for his night; & of course he already had plans with his friends.

Our first stop of the evening, my daughter's, Sasha's Step show in New Brunswick:

Next in line, my Filipino sista's holiday party in Pompton Lakes:

We missed Ms. Joanna & her side-kick Minh- love you guys! Love my sistas- they encourage me!
Next, Rich Fontanez's Salsa club in Newark:

Next my daughter's, Sade's birthday celebration @ Teak by the Hudson in Hoboken:

We also went to NJPAC for a classy event prior to going to Hoboken, but the crowd was bust- so no pix & no time spent in that endeavor!
Was feeling a little uncomfortable with the Acid music, so we moved on to a club that is a little more our style: Pyoug in Linden: No pix, also a bust! I want to take a minute to shout out Kwasi, who was taken hostage last night by 2 classy, but crazy, mature ladies! LOL
Of course this young man couldn't hang, so we dropped him off & proceeded to Raheem's club in Orange to finish off the night! Got home @ 4 am! Wake up this morning @ 11 to clean house & visit my Mami, already got sucked into the Hack for OT tonight, but will take my son to see Rockefeller Christmas tree, before the Hack commitment- love you Shami! & miss you Bebe!

Quote: Work hard & play hard, because in the end it's about the memories you create & how you, & only you perceive them- Me, Delilah Escamilla

In the midst of the birthday run

As we celebrate our 4/6 birthday celebrations in our family (within the winter season), we receive devastating news. Before celebrating Dasha & Shami's birthday, I receive a phone call from my nephew, Tony, saying my Mami's health is not what I thought & I need to call her. So I proceed to call my Mami to clarify, what I thought, was a miscommunication. She sounds nervous & confused, but her doctor has found a lump in her throat & they think it might be cancer. I try to rationalize what she told me, but as I end the conversation I realize it is a possibility.
 The major risk factor contributing to this possibility is: the fact that although my mom doesn't smoke or drink (like me), she was around my father, who did both. My father's bad habits exposed not only my mom, but us (my brother & myself) to second hand smoke & abusive behaviors for 14 years. These experiences are the reasons I don't smoke or drink. His, my dad's, habits also are the cause for his deteriorating health he is terminally ill with liver disease & has his own family dysfunctionality (which I am not a part of).
So you see, my familial history is very complicated. These complications are the reason I valued my family so highly & when my family was broken, I became devastated. I don't want my immediate family to allow my divorce to impact them negatively. Coming from a very dysfunctional family myself, for a long time I had focused allot of energy to providing my kids a strong family base, & I did for 13 years. I hope those 13 years was good enough, & although it was not my choice to break up that family dynamic. But, it is what it is & we're moving forward the best way we can.
As for my Mami, I have to maneuver my schedule to accommodate her doctor visits, she is scheduled for surgery for Tuesday, they will be removing the abnormal growth & biopsing it- in time we will have answers, & I guess as we find out what it is, we will deal with it.
I also want to take a minute to honor national AIDS day, I want to reveal that this disease devastated my family. It stole my brother & my close cousin from me & I am very passionate about educating people about it & making it known that AIDS affects everybody & has no boundaries or preferences. Please get tested & educate yourself!
As I leave to go to work I leave you with images of my Mami, please pray for her & our family- I would greatly appreciate it!

As you can see, my mom is a very strong Hispanic lady- she has survived allot in her life. Her latest triumph was a stroke she suffered in NM, while visiting me. Although my upbringing was not the best, it's because of my Mami & her will, I am the person I am. I love her so much & when we lost my brother our bond was cemented & I will do anything for her.